I see Blog people

This has been the title of my original blog since 2004. When I googled that title the other day I find that someone at another commercial site is SELLING sweatshirts, etc. with my title on the shirt? I wonder if I legally can complain about that?

FYI

I haven't been using Blogger for very long, but since AOL is dropping their Journal/blog options, the only way to save my very old blogs was to import them to Blogger. That explains the very old dates and information. I am not even posting all the stuff I wrote back then because some of it was pretty repetitive and trite. I am slowly posting old blogs I want to hang onto. But I want to add new blogs in here too , so right now it's kind of mixed up and disjointed.

The curse of the J*******r's

I admit, I am a bit prejudiced against the name Jennifer. I am sure there are a lot of nice Jennifers out there. I've even known a couple. It doesn't stop me from kind of wincing when someone says that's their name. If I'd have given birth to a girl and Jennifer was my only name choice, she'd have to be nameless maybe. I suppose it starts in high school as many pivotal bad memories always do. All I wanted was for boys to notice me. The girl getting a lot of notice was hip wiggling, come hither Jennifer. I can honestly say I was a lot more attractive than her. But she had that "vibe" that was the pied piper pull to many of the hormonally charged male population of my high school. I guess it didn't help that my parents were anti dating fanatics, limiting my options a bit. Then I later find out that the woman responsible for f-----g up my husbands head the most before he met me was named Jennifer. Before I met George, I was insanely in love with a man who eventually f-----d my head up forever after. It was a bitter pill to swallow, learning that the woman who was worthy of his eventual love was- who else, Jennifer, NOT me. I guess it's good that George and I met and repaired some of the damage for each other. Scattered through the intervening years there have been a few Jennifers whom haven't caused my teeth to grind. Jennifer J was a nice person. Jennifer D was a misunderstood, slightly unhinged, but deep down good person with a lot of hardships to overcome. When my best friend tells me her life is being ruined at work by someone named Jennifer, I think..."but, of course!!"

Summer at full swing

It's the time of year for the Ann Arbor Art Fairs. You know it's coming because suddenly it's really HOT in Michigan. We can't have a cool, comfortable, relaxing Art Fair week. You just are doomed to bake. We have decided to spend some time off and on this summer at my husband's family lake house. His grandparents who came here from Switzerland, purchased this little lake cottage in the '50's in Brooklyn Michigan. George's father was just a young kid. He grew up spending summers there, and subsequetly George and his siblings spent their summer weekends there as well. George's mom had put a lot of work into a few parts of the house, and unfortunately since their divorce, it has just been sitting there unused for nearly 3 years now. It's got a second floor that was added on to in the late 70's so it's a bit of a time warp/flashback needing much updating. His dad has too much sentimental attachment to it to just sell it, and someday George and his sisters will have to decide what to do with it. George and I are taking up the "torch". We hope his father will allow us to spend time there on summer weekends, and maybe eventually do some more work fixing up the place. We started the week of July 4th, and just getting it cleaned up from the mess left by the winter mice, etc., was tough work. They had a regular Mickey Mouse club going on over there. I have also had to face my fear of spiders. They LOVE it there. But, in the end it's been a great break for us. We don't have much time or space to ourselves as long as we live with his mom. That will have to change someday, and I hope to God we can swing it sooner than later. I don't mind living here, but it does get to me. I want my own kitchen. I love to cook and so does George. My mother in law is awesome, and lets us do what we want, but it's still not always that easy. The cottage is 45 minutes away so we can't be there all the time. It's not winterized so we can only enjoy it til it gets too cold. It's great for another generation to get a chance to have a nice carefree childhood jumping off the dock and swimming as kids should do. I don't want Nate to grow up with a game controller attached to his bone structure somewhere.

so lax of me

I am not blogging much these days. I barely email my tried and true email pen pals. This too shall pass. What I wish wouldn't pass, are the days of Nate's babyhood. They fly by too quickly. I just want to hold him tight and absorb him, and slow things down. I want all the little moments to last and last. I think if I could change anything it would have been having him so late in my life. That was unavoidable. I was never in a place in my life to have a baby when I was younger. I think people who space their babies 4 years apart have a good plan. They get to enjoy the littlest one after the previous child is old enough to enjoy their sibling as well. Each child gets much more specialized individual attention. It seems the second child and onward sometimes get lost in the shuffle a bit more than the first baby when they are close in age. But I can't wait 3 more years to try again. I don't even know if I can try again at all. Each stage of his life is wonderful, and I love it all so much, but unlike others who just roll with the changes, ever looking forward to the next, I feel this deep sadness underneath the smile he brings to my face, because I instantly think of how fleeting these "firsts" are. He's amazing.

Thoughts of Spring

Tomorrow is the first Saturday in April. It happens to also be April Fools day. An appropriate day for the traditional "Hash Bash" that happens in Ann Arbor every year. A great day to drag out the camera and capture the people that crawl out from under the porches or wherever they normally hang out and hide while smoking weed. Usually this date is a cold one so it's kind of miserable for the participants. The cops are usually running around looking for law breakers and it's just great fun for all. I say that sarcastically but it is a bit amusing.

Today was Nate's 6 month baby check up and he's doing great. He weighs 23.5 lbs. He's therefore still 99th percentile on the chub factor. He's also kind of long so he's in the 92nd percentile there. In other words, he looks like he's about 9 months old. I hope when he crawls he burns a little of it off. As it is, it's hard to keep him in clothing that fits.

another Sunday

This is Spring Break week in Ann Arbor so things are quiet. The barbershop closes early all week due to the low volume of kids around. I wonder what Katrina will do to the Mardis Gras crowd this year? Most of the buys I talked to are heading to Mexico or some tropical place for fun. I hope everyone has a fun FAT Tuesday. Nathaniel is getting bigger all the time. I can't believe it. He's about 22 lbs at 5 months old. I'll be posting some great photos in a few weeks. We went to a friend of mine's photo studio and she's a wiz with babies and children. We should have some cute stuff.

The last two weeks

It's been quite a life changing couple of weeks. Nate is just a little darling, and I know every new parent says it, but you can't describe the depth of love you feel when you hold your baby in your arms. I spent the first week in tears half the time because I just felt like I wasn't able to really take care of him properly since I couldn't feed him enough and he was getting jaundiced, etc. But it's gotten better in the second week. I get to hold him for a LOT of time, because he's apparently got a bottomless tummy and I can't keep him fed enough. It's wearing me out but I figure it'll all even out eventually. I love how tiny he is. I look forward to the fun months as he grows but a part of me wants him to stay just like he is for a while. Well, he's crying now as we speak, so I have to get off here.

He's here at last

I finally have my little guy....it was a long, complicated labor, but we pulled through thanks to some epidural help. I just have a minute to do a photo update. I sent these to a few of you already but just wanted a little posting publicly.

So busy

I keep putting things off that I can't put off any longer. I have to find a pediatrician for the baby, and get my own act together with various projects that I will not have time for later-like, a ton of thank you notes that I haven't had a chunk of time to take care of , and I just HAVE to get it going. We did our hospital tour a week ago and that was an interesting step to take. I had a small local baby shower at my sisters last Sunday. It was really nice to have my friend Robin from Tennessee visiting at the same time. Having such a huge change in my life coming up is starting to really finally hit me in a big way. There are a few aspects of the change that I am afraid of. I have always liked having control of myself. I've never really just surrendered my entire life to something else or someone else in every single way since adulthood. And that's just the way I've felt especially in the last few years. George and I have had this almost idyllic existence together, and this "honeymoon baby" is a big factor of change that is wonderful, and yet I always fear that it will be such a big change in our marriage and it's scary. We've rarely had issues needing to be resolved in day to day life, and a baby brings new issues to be resolved and I am hoping our lack of need for that previously doesn't leave us ill equipped. I don't want to be a statistic. Again. Not this time. Not ever again.

I'm getting nervous

There are so many conflicting stories and opinions on having babies. The chances of me being one of those easy stories seems awfully small. Knowing that, I just get a little freaked out. You'd think that with all the amazing miracles of medicine available today they'd figure out a way to make childbirth as easy as other formerly nightmare procedures used to be. I don't want to hear "but it's all worth it". Sorry, I am a serious WIMP. I barely survived getting my fingers stitched up. I hate to know that I am probably going to be doing the epidural option because I just am not up for hours of ridiculous pain. And just imagining that NEEDLE makes me ill !!! I KNOW my baby will be worth giving my life, but it shouldn't HAVE to be that way. So, all I can do is hope for the best. My pregnancy has been a healthy one. I wanted to go to a hypno birthing expert, but that costs serious money. I am doing some reading on the subject and who knows if that will help. I can't wait to see my little Nate. I wish I could just fast forward to that moment.

a free day off

I wasn't needed at either work places today which gave me a much needed day off. George and I actually accomplished a few important things. He knew I was getting pretty frantic and came through for me today. First, thank goodness, we just jumped into the car and went to Art Van for a good mattress set which we've put off too long, but it's so hard to just allow yourself to spend that much money in one place when you need so many things. But when push comes to shove, I am in desperate need of a good night's sleep and I am messing George's sleep up pretty badly in the process. I can't go choose something like that on my own, and we rarely are off at the same time. This week has been truly the last straw since I am truly feeling the weight of this baby more than ever. Art Van delivers and sets up....which is a big plus. We had a long to do list here at home, but our shopping trips including some hardware store needs took up major portions of our day. So, our next day off together is Sunday, which is our anniversary. I want that to be a nice day. Our best man just surprised us by sending us a copy of the only video that was taken that day. (bad planning on our part). It was great of him to get it to us by our anniversary. And starting next week, I hope to finally get a great night's sleep so things are really looking up.

The time flies by

We are nowhere near ready as far as the nursery project goes. We've got a lot of the painting done in the other rooms, but stuff must be moved out of that room still. I love George to pieces, but I really wish this was a real burning priority to him like it is to me. He gets so into his photography and other projects that he's consumed with, and I realize they are probably much more fun to do. I wish this "nesting' phase was contaigous. I can't be carrying boxes of books, etc.out of there. Realistically, the baby could be born at any time even tho' he's not due for over a month. I feel our living space is just complete chaos. We'll be having a lot of company visiting once he's born which has me in a panic. The good news: we've been given a crib and a changing table, along with many other needed items through the course of this pregnancy. What we have left to buy will hopefully be covered with gift certificates and maybe another baby shower. We've been really blessed so far.

I can't believe that our first wedding anniversary is this Sunday. This has been such an amazing year. I think we'll go someplace special for dinner. Being 8 months pregnant makes it hard to plan a get away or anything I'd normally want to do. I don't want to make the mistake some women do, and be so focused on this baby that my husband feels left out. We just got back from another visit to Virginia to see family and they were so generous with baby gifts, etc. We had a nice time but that car trip is the last one I want to take for a while.

A few little updates

My first baby shower in Indiana was last week. My sister Tiff, her husband Chris, George and I drove down together. We had a pretty nice time. I got to visit with some old friends and see a few of my great aunts. I ended up getting quite a few cute things for baby Nathaniel such as outfits, lots of baby bath stuff, and blankets, etc. George and Chris decided to go hit golf balls at a local course during the whole thing. George has since decided he wants to take up golf (God help me) so he picked up a little golf starter set yesterday at Play it Again Sports. He doesn't do too many physical sporty things so I can't really discourage it. I just don't want this to be an expensive hobby. Between the photography, canoe and kayak, and getting our home ready for a baby, I just don't see it being something we can invest in for a long time to come. We actually NEED to be thinking ahead, trying to plan for a house eventually. Housing around here, anywhere remotely close to Ann Arbor, is ridiculously high. Since I'll be working downtown hopefully for years to come, I just don't want to spend a lot of time commuting to a distant house.

Keeping busy....

......and getting bigger !! The work at the shop is going well. I am trying to just build skills and speed right now. I am basically part time for the summer. To see our shop and our team check out www.arcadebarbers.com. Our photo is in the "team" section. You can see me looking a little pregnant, though that picture doesn't really show anything ...intentionally!! I will be having my first baby shower in a little over a week in my hometown in Indiana. That should be fun.

A couple of weeks ago George and I got to work together doing a wedding for a friend of my sister's. He got to photograph. I got to do the bride's hair and make up. It turned out pretty well and we hope to eventually get to build up a side business doing some weddings together.. We had no previous experience so we're not able to charge much until we get a portfolio and a name for ourselves. You have to start somewhere though. His photos looked pretty good.

Finally working

I have finally received my license from the State and am certified and working. I am only able to get part time hours right now due to the slowdown of summer. That's probably best since I shouldn't be on my feet too many hours in a row as I progressively expand with "baby tummy". The spider veins are creeping up as it is....yuck. So far though, no stretch marks. I am also putting a few hours in here and there at my old photo lab just as a favor to them, and to keep me "in the game" there since I like having a little control over my own work that still needs to be completed. I can't believe that I am finally there. It's nice to have finally accomplished something. Now I have to start making some cash since I obviously can't depend on anyone else to come through for me. George needs a break and we have so many needs so he can't take one yet. I have faith, if only in the two of us together.

Today's ultrasound

Well, we finally got to see our little one again today, at a much more normal looking 5 months gestation, and after much persistent jiggling, got enough cooperation to figure out if it is a boy or a girl. Normally after I have a little coffee and breakfast I get all kinds of movement from the baby, but today somebody was being quite stubborn, happily napping curled into a little ball. (Of course, right NOW, there's all kinds of movement). Well, the ultrasound tech said she's usually more stubborn than the babies, tho' she said even this one was a challenge LOL. Even after the measurements were taken, etc. and she tried to take pictures, we couldn't get another shot of the genitals. Finally though we got the angle that we wanted....and it's a BOY !!! I didn't even care if it was a boy or a girl, tho' I think George might have liked a little "daddy's girl" but I've had a feeling all along it might be a boy. I'll have lots of boy things from my sister Beth whose little boy is 6 months old now. The photos are hard to read but view the larger image and it might make sense.

I'm still awaiting my license in the mail. I did pass the second and hardest Boards Exam. That was one of the most nerve-wracking days of my life. I really didn't feel I did that well. I did make a few distinct mistakes but thankfully they go by over all scoring and I pulled it off. I can't practice til the license arrives in the mail, however, so I am in limbo. I'll work at Foto1 again for a little while until I can't handle the hours anymore.

We just returned from Virginia beach, and that was great fun. I stayed at my sisters a few nights, then drove to the beach for 3 nights. It was kind of cold, which was fine with me since I didn't feel like looking at half naked people on the beach being pregnant and not excited about hanging out on a beach looking like a beach ball. It was beautiful otherwise.

The beating heart

What sound above all others can cause you to hold your breath, suspend all thoughts, and invade your heart, washing over you with a flood of love and realization unlike anything you've felt before? The 140 beats per second that you hear when your baby's heartbeat is made audible to you for the first time. Ultrasounds are powerful, but this little powerful strong sound just seemed so much more concrete than even that first image. When you consider that the "idea" of the image is what is so powerful when you see your baby at 12 weeks, because the baby is still so small and a little anatomically strange just yet. The doctor is pointing things out to you that would be hard to figure out on your own, because the image is so fleeting. Now, at 18 weeks, I have actually heard the heartbeat, loud and strong. There's no second-guessing....no questioning "am I hearing what I think I am hearing?" Ill be able to see a full ultrasound in a few weeks so I look forward to that as well. It's one more beautiful experience among so many.

Voice from the past

I am sure many of us have someone we've loved in the past who could still get to us if we allowed them to. I've cared for and loved a few men in my life, and I can't regret the experiences. They've shaped who I am now, and I finally learned how to recognize my Mr. Right. Until seven years ago, I didn't really know how it felt to fall in love. I was married nearly 9 years to a man that I initially cared for, and loved in a way, but the relationship was volatile and unhealthy. During the course of my marriage, I found a true best friend who made me see that I was a beautiful person inside and out. He of all people would want to know that my hopes of becoming a mother has finally materialized. My ex husband wanted nothing to do with having children, and had even had a vasectomy before we married to insure he never did. I was too blind to think about how that would affect me through the years of our marriage. This best friend of mine even talked to his wife about how she'd feel if he were to be a sperm donor to give me a child if I wanted one. It seems weird in hindsight- but he and his wife, and my ex and I actually got together to discuss this. I later learned that his marriage wasn't as stable as I'd always assumed. His wife initially didn't say "no way", because she loved being a mother herself, but later she couldn't deal with the idea of his being a donor, and of course that option never happened. I've since figured out she was -and is -an incredibly selfish woman. I guess now, I am very glad that I hadn't had his child. Through the course of my friendship with him, I fell deeply in love with him, and he with me, or at least I thought he did. Our marriages had been very bad for years, but I didn't want to ruin his life with his children by breaking up their home, so broken hearted, and divorced, I ran far away, to South Carolina and tried to go on with my life. It worked for a while, and I met someone that I cared for very much. Then BOOM that voice from the past called me and changed everything. His wife had left him for another woman of all things, and he was free to be with me if I still wanted him. I thought I had closed all those doors, but one phone call re-opened all the feelings that I thought had been dealt with. I moved back to Michigan, and for a while it was all I could hope for. But the damage done by his ex wife, and additional damage from childhood abuse took it's toll and we had to part ways. He needed to learn to how to make himself happy, and needed a lot of therapy. This time I really didn't think I'd recover from our breakup. He'd broken my heart twice. And it wasn't really anybody's fault either time. And I had no power over my emotions at future moments that I'd talk to him. I'd always hang up the phone crying my heart out, because I loved him so much. He knew me better than anyone. He could get into my head and my heart with the sound of his voice. This goes to show how much I needed someone like George. He has restored me and made me appreciate a healthy type of love. Well, that voice from my past called me yesterday. We've maintained a cautious friendship, but I don't pursue it out of respect for George. Well, as I figured would happen, he was so very happy for me that I was finally having the baby I wanted. He too seems to have found his personal happiness, and it felt so great to hang up the phone, and not feel the need to cry, or feel sadness. It's the happy ending I wanted, but thank God with the right man in my life. I am having a child with the man who truly is right. I am so happy to be strong again.