A few little updates

My first baby shower in Indiana was last week. My sister Tiff, her husband Chris, George and I drove down together. We had a pretty nice time. I got to visit with some old friends and see a few of my great aunts. I ended up getting quite a few cute things for baby Nathaniel such as outfits, lots of baby bath stuff, and blankets, etc. George and Chris decided to go hit golf balls at a local course during the whole thing. George has since decided he wants to take up golf (God help me) so he picked up a little golf starter set yesterday at Play it Again Sports. He doesn't do too many physical sporty things so I can't really discourage it. I just don't want this to be an expensive hobby. Between the photography, canoe and kayak, and getting our home ready for a baby, I just don't see it being something we can invest in for a long time to come. We actually NEED to be thinking ahead, trying to plan for a house eventually. Housing around here, anywhere remotely close to Ann Arbor, is ridiculously high. Since I'll be working downtown hopefully for years to come, I just don't want to spend a lot of time commuting to a distant house.

Keeping busy....

......and getting bigger !! The work at the shop is going well. I am trying to just build skills and speed right now. I am basically part time for the summer. To see our shop and our team check out www.arcadebarbers.com. Our photo is in the "team" section. You can see me looking a little pregnant, though that picture doesn't really show anything ...intentionally!! I will be having my first baby shower in a little over a week in my hometown in Indiana. That should be fun.

A couple of weeks ago George and I got to work together doing a wedding for a friend of my sister's. He got to photograph. I got to do the bride's hair and make up. It turned out pretty well and we hope to eventually get to build up a side business doing some weddings together.. We had no previous experience so we're not able to charge much until we get a portfolio and a name for ourselves. You have to start somewhere though. His photos looked pretty good.

Finally working

I have finally received my license from the State and am certified and working. I am only able to get part time hours right now due to the slowdown of summer. That's probably best since I shouldn't be on my feet too many hours in a row as I progressively expand with "baby tummy". The spider veins are creeping up as it is....yuck. So far though, no stretch marks. I am also putting a few hours in here and there at my old photo lab just as a favor to them, and to keep me "in the game" there since I like having a little control over my own work that still needs to be completed. I can't believe that I am finally there. It's nice to have finally accomplished something. Now I have to start making some cash since I obviously can't depend on anyone else to come through for me. George needs a break and we have so many needs so he can't take one yet. I have faith, if only in the two of us together.

Today's ultrasound

Well, we finally got to see our little one again today, at a much more normal looking 5 months gestation, and after much persistent jiggling, got enough cooperation to figure out if it is a boy or a girl. Normally after I have a little coffee and breakfast I get all kinds of movement from the baby, but today somebody was being quite stubborn, happily napping curled into a little ball. (Of course, right NOW, there's all kinds of movement). Well, the ultrasound tech said she's usually more stubborn than the babies, tho' she said even this one was a challenge LOL. Even after the measurements were taken, etc. and she tried to take pictures, we couldn't get another shot of the genitals. Finally though we got the angle that we wanted....and it's a BOY !!! I didn't even care if it was a boy or a girl, tho' I think George might have liked a little "daddy's girl" but I've had a feeling all along it might be a boy. I'll have lots of boy things from my sister Beth whose little boy is 6 months old now. The photos are hard to read but view the larger image and it might make sense.

I'm still awaiting my license in the mail. I did pass the second and hardest Boards Exam. That was one of the most nerve-wracking days of my life. I really didn't feel I did that well. I did make a few distinct mistakes but thankfully they go by over all scoring and I pulled it off. I can't practice til the license arrives in the mail, however, so I am in limbo. I'll work at Foto1 again for a little while until I can't handle the hours anymore.

We just returned from Virginia beach, and that was great fun. I stayed at my sisters a few nights, then drove to the beach for 3 nights. It was kind of cold, which was fine with me since I didn't feel like looking at half naked people on the beach being pregnant and not excited about hanging out on a beach looking like a beach ball. It was beautiful otherwise.

The beating heart

What sound above all others can cause you to hold your breath, suspend all thoughts, and invade your heart, washing over you with a flood of love and realization unlike anything you've felt before? The 140 beats per second that you hear when your baby's heartbeat is made audible to you for the first time. Ultrasounds are powerful, but this little powerful strong sound just seemed so much more concrete than even that first image. When you consider that the "idea" of the image is what is so powerful when you see your baby at 12 weeks, because the baby is still so small and a little anatomically strange just yet. The doctor is pointing things out to you that would be hard to figure out on your own, because the image is so fleeting. Now, at 18 weeks, I have actually heard the heartbeat, loud and strong. There's no second-guessing....no questioning "am I hearing what I think I am hearing?" Ill be able to see a full ultrasound in a few weeks so I look forward to that as well. It's one more beautiful experience among so many.

Voice from the past

I am sure many of us have someone we've loved in the past who could still get to us if we allowed them to. I've cared for and loved a few men in my life, and I can't regret the experiences. They've shaped who I am now, and I finally learned how to recognize my Mr. Right. Until seven years ago, I didn't really know how it felt to fall in love. I was married nearly 9 years to a man that I initially cared for, and loved in a way, but the relationship was volatile and unhealthy. During the course of my marriage, I found a true best friend who made me see that I was a beautiful person inside and out. He of all people would want to know that my hopes of becoming a mother has finally materialized. My ex husband wanted nothing to do with having children, and had even had a vasectomy before we married to insure he never did. I was too blind to think about how that would affect me through the years of our marriage. This best friend of mine even talked to his wife about how she'd feel if he were to be a sperm donor to give me a child if I wanted one. It seems weird in hindsight- but he and his wife, and my ex and I actually got together to discuss this. I later learned that his marriage wasn't as stable as I'd always assumed. His wife initially didn't say "no way", because she loved being a mother herself, but later she couldn't deal with the idea of his being a donor, and of course that option never happened. I've since figured out she was -and is -an incredibly selfish woman. I guess now, I am very glad that I hadn't had his child. Through the course of my friendship with him, I fell deeply in love with him, and he with me, or at least I thought he did. Our marriages had been very bad for years, but I didn't want to ruin his life with his children by breaking up their home, so broken hearted, and divorced, I ran far away, to South Carolina and tried to go on with my life. It worked for a while, and I met someone that I cared for very much. Then BOOM that voice from the past called me and changed everything. His wife had left him for another woman of all things, and he was free to be with me if I still wanted him. I thought I had closed all those doors, but one phone call re-opened all the feelings that I thought had been dealt with. I moved back to Michigan, and for a while it was all I could hope for. But the damage done by his ex wife, and additional damage from childhood abuse took it's toll and we had to part ways. He needed to learn to how to make himself happy, and needed a lot of therapy. This time I really didn't think I'd recover from our breakup. He'd broken my heart twice. And it wasn't really anybody's fault either time. And I had no power over my emotions at future moments that I'd talk to him. I'd always hang up the phone crying my heart out, because I loved him so much. He knew me better than anyone. He could get into my head and my heart with the sound of his voice. This goes to show how much I needed someone like George. He has restored me and made me appreciate a healthy type of love. Well, that voice from my past called me yesterday. We've maintained a cautious friendship, but I don't pursue it out of respect for George. Well, as I figured would happen, he was so very happy for me that I was finally having the baby I wanted. He too seems to have found his personal happiness, and it felt so great to hang up the phone, and not feel the need to cry, or feel sadness. It's the happy ending I wanted, but thank God with the right man in my life. I am having a child with the man who truly is right. I am so happy to be strong again.

Just thinking about blogging.....

I remember my feelings when I first opened a blog page. I was excited to get my true thoughts and feelings out there. It seemed fun to have one of those flashy journals where you could insert "dancing aliens" or great photos, etc. except I suck at figuring stuff like that out. I could be an anonymous woman speaking for myself, and maybe occasionally echoing how another woman or man thinks or feels. Then, as time has progressed, I have become a bit repressed. I almost wish I were still anonymous. I re-read the tiny little entry I wrote nearly 1.5 years ago (I love to watch you sleep) where I could freely pour out my feelings of love and desire for my husband and not really think about or care if anyone noticed or responded. That entry actually garnished surprise attention and earned me an honorable mention for blogging. That is extremely hard to do now. Now, I feel shy to share such words. This hesitance REALLY isn't what I was after as a blogger. I feel more accountable, meaning that it's a little weird for me to know that some of my words are read by people who would then be led to mentally say .."ok...too much information, Jess". And I am NOT just saying that the words I would choose to write are inappropriate in sexual ways, etc. That's not really my style, and if I were to want to write in that style, I'd definitely have an intentionally anonymous journal. I just wonder if anyone else understands what I am saying or feeling. I've always fantasized about being a writer. I wanted to get on a journal forum, and just start releasing all that pent up wit and wisdom, and just have readers flocking to my pages as I've seen from other blogger's journals. Instead, I am completely boring myself. But then again, maybe this entry will at least make me feel better about it.