Christmas visits

It's the day after Christmas and I have to say that this has been the happiest Christmas that I can remember for so many reasons. First, my biggest wish of having George propose to me came true, but I was able to see every single member of my family and George's this year, and that was very wonderful. My sister from South Dakota came home and of course that meant spending some time with my niece.

George's whole family was in on the proposal and I had NO CLUE !! He'd disguised the ring box in a bigger box and had placed it in the back of the pile so that everyone would be watching me when it became my turn to open my "gift". I open the bigger box, and inside is this ring box and it STILL didn't dawn on me that it might be THE RING. Probably because his family were all there, and it just didn't occur to me that he'd surprise me like that. So I open it and there is this diamond ring. My eyes got super wide, and I said "WHAT is THIS?? " And he took my hand and went on one knee and in this choked up voice asked "Jess, will you marry me?" I was already crying by the time his knee touched the ground. And then I threw my arms around him and I said "OF COURSE I WILL !!" mixed in with a few rounds of " Oh my God I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!" And as soon as his mom and sisters and grandparents heard me say "Yes" they all burst out in applause. So, I am SO HAPPY. And now I get to try and figure out when the heck I want to pull this thing off ! I have so many friends and family members spread all over the country. It helps that I want to keep the wedding pretty small. In fact, I want to go to Symmes Chapel in South Carolina which is this open air covered chapel on the side of a mountain with a gorgeous view. It's a much sought after wedding spot at certain times of the year. But I want George to approve of the place so maybe we'll get a chance to drive there and check it out soon. I would love that. So anyway, that's the latest on this weekend. More to come along with pictures.

Big News !!!!

I will be adding pictures soon !!! But I couldn't wait to get online from my brother's computer in Indiana to say that my wish for Christmas came true !! George asked me to marry him....and of course I said YES !! I'll be blogging the details soon, but I had to write now or just explode. Happy Holidays !!

Reconciling and remembering

Today's emails and blog entries have all surprisingly touched on a similar theme from so many I know today. We are all thinking about the past and wondering about past relationships, some with regrets, and some with a thankful heart that the past didn't have to be the blueprint for the future. I guess I learned that you can be be nearly destroyed by your soul mate. I personally believe that you have more than one "special someone" who could be the someone you could spend your life with and happily. But not always are the two of you in the same place at the same time. One of you blows it, and when you finally "wise up" and try to patch it up, the other has moved on. Then, thankfully, eventually, the timing is right with someone, and you have that wonderful relationship, at the perfect time that it's supposed to happen. That doesn't mean that your heart doesn't jump backward when you hear a special song, or see someone from a distance who looks similar. For instance, I don't think I will ever be able to go to Disney World again in my life. Because one of the hopeful future memories I was to have made with the one man who's broken my heart, included a trip there, and it didn't happen. And now the very thought of going there just makes me sad. And that's not the way you're supposed to think of Disney World. I am glad my heart has recovered and I am happy. And I wish the same for anyone who is still searching.

Mars vs. Venus

It hasn't been too awful of a Monday. Tomorrow will be a busy one, and it will progress through the 24th. This past weekend's party went well but I have to comment on the "Mars Vs. Venus" game that is on the market. Yes, there is A BOARD GAME based on the Mars vs. Venus series of books. Granted, there are some pretty basic, valid male vs. female facts that are true across the board and the books have interesting things to say and probably will help a lot of otherwise clueless people. But the game is doomed to fail from the beginning for the women. Basically, the very nature of our differences causes one side to have the advantage over the other. There are a few wonderful rare exceptions, but men by nature, and even more so by cultural influence, tend to not want to "talk about their inner child" or their soft sensitive side....and all that psycho babble rot, and women have been given that green light. So, we talk talk talk...and love to let a man know how we feel at most given moments. Unless we're so pissed we revert to silent treatment, which gets no one anywhere. But this game asks questions requiring the men to try and "guess" how a woman would react, or think, or feel in certain situations, and vice versa. The men know the answers because they have heard their women talking about what they want or need and over time, the familiarity factor just kicks in. Women don't know half the things the men are going to say or answer, because they just haven't "talked about" these things voluntarily...EVER!!. And if they do have to give an answer that they know wouldn't be popular to the female crowd, or to their significant other in particular, they are quite likely to just give they answer they think we "want to hear"...for whatever reasons-probably self-preservation. And if they're afraid to answer, they can choose option "D" which is to go to the "cave". So, after thinking about the resounding ass kickin' the gals got playing the game, it dawned on me just exactly WHY women probably can't win this game. But, I have to say, it was still a lot of fun, and pretty darn educational.

My favorite topic: Love

I've written 3 blogs today, and normally I wouldn't do that, but I had a lot on my mind before all the other stuff that was stuffed in front of it. I guess that I've reached this point in my life where I am feeling terribly vulnerable when it comes to love and my heart. I have decided to give it one more shot thanks to George, even though I've been through so much heartache. Everyone has to have their heart broken at some point, and I admire those who pick themselves up and go on. So, I did it, I let him into my heart ALL THE WAY!! I am such an old fashioned "traditionalist" but if I could do the asking, I'd be engaged already. I know women have switched roles, and have actually done the proposing, but I can't really do that. Yet I want it so badly. Life has been so chaotic, so up in the air. I just want some "order". I want to know what's going to happen. I want to be able to say "A year from now, I'll be a married woman working on having a baby" I already know George wants that. But it's always one of those "someday" conversations. I want my someday to have a date attached to it. If I were in my 20's, I'd not really be feeling this urgency. But I've been through enough shit in my love life...I want to cram as much GOOD and happiness into the rest of my years as I possibly can. I've waited a long time to have what I've finally found, and I am just beyond READY to take it all the way. I don't want some expensive ring on my finger, I just want a plain band if that's what it takes. If it makes it happen sooner, I'd be happy with the promise, not the jewelry. What the ring symbolizes is what matters. So that's really where my head has been lately. I just want to belong 100% to George in every way.

I am a bit calmer

This week just hasn't gone all that greatly. Thanks to a very computer savvy friend of mine, I was able to figure out the backdoor program causing my computer problem, and apparently it's a virus that lurks and waits for you to sign on to "PayPal" and grabs financial information. Unfortunately, PayPal's Terms are such, that you HAVE NO PROTECTION if anything goes wrong. So I hope to God I don't find out that my accounts were raided. It's happened to a friend of mine so everyone, BE WARNED. So, let's see, where did I leave off before all this. Oh yeah: My new first and middle names are ELMER S. and the last name is GLUE. I try like hell to make arrangements to have a little bit of a break at work, to get this "move" thing done a little bit each day, and I don't know why I bother. I stayed til 1 a.m. Tues night, and my darling friend and co worker called in sick the next day (and it was partly bull**) wasting my efforts to stay ahead. The day before that , she decided to go help people in another department instead of doing our work. Work due at 4 and 5 were late,- inexcusable as slow as our work load has been. Today, she was there and it was an ok day except for the computer snafu. Tomorrow is Friday, and I would love to get a nice easy day out of it. During all of this, I've been my sister's only ride to work- or anywhere else- so I have to work around her schedule and still get my stuff done. My other sister (her boss) keeps threatening to fire her since she can't get to work. GEE DO THE MATH: NO work, no money, no money, no car. GET A CLUE YOU TWO !!! I am beginning to think that I should have called my journal "Who can I blog to death" ? Alright, I need to sign off and do something more useful.

A response for John

I am thinking back to the feelings I had in my head and heart before I met George. I had found what I thought was my soul mate. I don't even like writing about him because of my respect and love for George and the beauty he's brought back into my heart. I just remember the pain of the loss of this man. As I was going through the process of losing him, each and every time I would allow my thoughts to dwell on him I would have this gradually increasing swell of pain that would richochet through my heart and stomach. It was kind of like holding your hand over a flame, the longer you hold it there, the deeper the pain. My heart started feeling like a hand over the flame and I would quickly "withdraw" my thoughts and push them back into a corner of my head somewhere as a form of self preservation. I wrote this during that time:

A REASON TO LIVE

When you look into the windows of my soul and the rooms seem so cold and so bare.

Does the dimness of life's light through the tear-spattered panes make it seem as if no one is there?

As much as my pain-ridden soul longs to leave -this dwelling so riddled with grief,

I'm still here, huddled down in a corner of myself ,kept alive by a simple belief.

Though my heart is suspended in a pool of pain, no longer pulsing love's warmth to my soul,

I'll still wait for the knock on it's hollow door letting love back inside 'til it's whole.

So look into this seemingly lifeless abode and knock on my door once again.

Call out my name, pull the shades from my eyes and let love's light flood back in.