The beating heart

What sound above all others can cause you to hold your breath, suspend all thoughts, and invade your heart, washing over you with a flood of love and realization unlike anything you've felt before? The 140 beats per second that you hear when your baby's heartbeat is made audible to you for the first time. Ultrasounds are powerful, but this little powerful strong sound just seemed so much more concrete than even that first image. When you consider that the "idea" of the image is what is so powerful when you see your baby at 12 weeks, because the baby is still so small and a little anatomically strange just yet. The doctor is pointing things out to you that would be hard to figure out on your own, because the image is so fleeting. Now, at 18 weeks, I have actually heard the heartbeat, loud and strong. There's no second-guessing....no questioning "am I hearing what I think I am hearing?" Ill be able to see a full ultrasound in a few weeks so I look forward to that as well. It's one more beautiful experience among so many.

Voice from the past

I am sure many of us have someone we've loved in the past who could still get to us if we allowed them to. I've cared for and loved a few men in my life, and I can't regret the experiences. They've shaped who I am now, and I finally learned how to recognize my Mr. Right. Until seven years ago, I didn't really know how it felt to fall in love. I was married nearly 9 years to a man that I initially cared for, and loved in a way, but the relationship was volatile and unhealthy. During the course of my marriage, I found a true best friend who made me see that I was a beautiful person inside and out. He of all people would want to know that my hopes of becoming a mother has finally materialized. My ex husband wanted nothing to do with having children, and had even had a vasectomy before we married to insure he never did. I was too blind to think about how that would affect me through the years of our marriage. This best friend of mine even talked to his wife about how she'd feel if he were to be a sperm donor to give me a child if I wanted one. It seems weird in hindsight- but he and his wife, and my ex and I actually got together to discuss this. I later learned that his marriage wasn't as stable as I'd always assumed. His wife initially didn't say "no way", because she loved being a mother herself, but later she couldn't deal with the idea of his being a donor, and of course that option never happened. I've since figured out she was -and is -an incredibly selfish woman. I guess now, I am very glad that I hadn't had his child. Through the course of my friendship with him, I fell deeply in love with him, and he with me, or at least I thought he did. Our marriages had been very bad for years, but I didn't want to ruin his life with his children by breaking up their home, so broken hearted, and divorced, I ran far away, to South Carolina and tried to go on with my life. It worked for a while, and I met someone that I cared for very much. Then BOOM that voice from the past called me and changed everything. His wife had left him for another woman of all things, and he was free to be with me if I still wanted him. I thought I had closed all those doors, but one phone call re-opened all the feelings that I thought had been dealt with. I moved back to Michigan, and for a while it was all I could hope for. But the damage done by his ex wife, and additional damage from childhood abuse took it's toll and we had to part ways. He needed to learn to how to make himself happy, and needed a lot of therapy. This time I really didn't think I'd recover from our breakup. He'd broken my heart twice. And it wasn't really anybody's fault either time. And I had no power over my emotions at future moments that I'd talk to him. I'd always hang up the phone crying my heart out, because I loved him so much. He knew me better than anyone. He could get into my head and my heart with the sound of his voice. This goes to show how much I needed someone like George. He has restored me and made me appreciate a healthy type of love. Well, that voice from my past called me yesterday. We've maintained a cautious friendship, but I don't pursue it out of respect for George. Well, as I figured would happen, he was so very happy for me that I was finally having the baby I wanted. He too seems to have found his personal happiness, and it felt so great to hang up the phone, and not feel the need to cry, or feel sadness. It's the happy ending I wanted, but thank God with the right man in my life. I am having a child with the man who truly is right. I am so happy to be strong again.

Just thinking about blogging.....

I remember my feelings when I first opened a blog page. I was excited to get my true thoughts and feelings out there. It seemed fun to have one of those flashy journals where you could insert "dancing aliens" or great photos, etc. except I suck at figuring stuff like that out. I could be an anonymous woman speaking for myself, and maybe occasionally echoing how another woman or man thinks or feels. Then, as time has progressed, I have become a bit repressed. I almost wish I were still anonymous. I re-read the tiny little entry I wrote nearly 1.5 years ago (I love to watch you sleep) where I could freely pour out my feelings of love and desire for my husband and not really think about or care if anyone noticed or responded. That entry actually garnished surprise attention and earned me an honorable mention for blogging. That is extremely hard to do now. Now, I feel shy to share such words. This hesitance REALLY isn't what I was after as a blogger. I feel more accountable, meaning that it's a little weird for me to know that some of my words are read by people who would then be led to mentally say .."ok...too much information, Jess". And I am NOT just saying that the words I would choose to write are inappropriate in sexual ways, etc. That's not really my style, and if I were to want to write in that style, I'd definitely have an intentionally anonymous journal. I just wonder if anyone else understands what I am saying or feeling. I've always fantasized about being a writer. I wanted to get on a journal forum, and just start releasing all that pent up wit and wisdom, and just have readers flocking to my pages as I've seen from other blogger's journals. Instead, I am completely boring myself. But then again, maybe this entry will at least make me feel better about it.

Boards Update

I finally have some boards testing dates, though they aren't happening as quickly as I'd hoped. Plus I know my sister and husband would both have loved me to get on track a little quicker as well. I guess I am trying to not feel too guilty about the off time, considering I won't be getting a lot of down time for the rest of my life, well at least not until I'm in my 50's...yikes !! My Practical exam happens May 6th. The week after testing George and I will try to take a little vacation to Virginia to visit my sister and maybe stay on the beach a couple of nights. We'll hope his car can survive the trip. And I can only hope they start dropping those gas prices. We'll be budgeting this one pretty tightly. The weather in Michigan has been pretty wonderful. I hate to say the word "rain" but unfortunately we need it. A couple of years ago our back yard yielded about 3 dozen yummy Morrell (sp?) mushrooms. This year may be too dry but we'll start checking anyway.

The baby has been a little quieter the past couple of days. Last Saturday was the most active. I figure I just have to give it time to get the full performance. And on another topic, I'm glad they finally elected a pope. Maybe my shows will stop being pre-empted. We non-Catholics are trying to be patient with this whole Pope furor, but c'mon...I've been watching black and white smoke on t.v. Thank goodness it hasn't been a long, ongoing process. I'd think the 5:00 clock news announcement of the new Pope should be more than sufficient considering how many alternate ways people can access news on a 24 hour basis these days. OK, enough ranting......

Waiting for Boards

I am getting a little stir crazy. I enjoy the ability to relax and work on projects that I'd put off when I was busier, but I do want to get moving on boards. I seem to have lost my text book and exam test book. I can't for the life of me figure out where the heck I've put them. I need them to study for the tests. Today's project is to look for them while doing some more organizing, etc. I hope to call the Boards phone line again, to see if I can start scheduling my exams SOON.

I felt a lot of baby "flutters" this morning. I had read in the baby articles online and in a few books that a first time mom may not feel anything until the 18th week or later. It's possible to feel something as soon as 16 weeks. I am entering the 17th week and I am pretty confident that I can feel movement , even if it's faint. It's pretty exciting. Also, my tummy is just growing like crazy. I think it's really increased in size a whole lot just in the past week. I am definitely needing the elastic waist bands and long shirts.

Finally graduated

Saturday was my final day of school. Now I have to send in my application to take my State Board exam. I need to start trying to work because I can't afford all the tons of things a baby needs. I don't have enough friends/family nearby or in a central location, to really do much of a shower. Meanwhile, in my down time I am organizing/spring cleaning and getting a jump start on getting a nursery room cleaned out and started. I don't have another baby appt. for about 3+ weeks. I may not be quite far enough along to find out if I have a boy or a girl, but it would be cool if they could tell. I always peek at baby clothes when I am out shopping, and it's so hard to not buy a little outfit here and there, I don't want a closet full of green and yellow things because of not knowing which colors to buy. Also, trying on maternity stuff is weird. I am not really big enough for full blown maternity wear, but I am definitely in limbo with the clothes I currently own. My jeans are tight in the waist and there's a definite "bubble" showing up in my fitted shirts. I absolutely REFUSE to wear sweat pants and large baggy t'shirts everywhere. I am going to look as attractive as possible for as long as possible. Well, that's the latest. It's great to be done with school !!