The last two weeks

It's been quite a life changing couple of weeks. Nate is just a little darling, and I know every new parent says it, but you can't describe the depth of love you feel when you hold your baby in your arms. I spent the first week in tears half the time because I just felt like I wasn't able to really take care of him properly since I couldn't feed him enough and he was getting jaundiced, etc. But it's gotten better in the second week. I get to hold him for a LOT of time, because he's apparently got a bottomless tummy and I can't keep him fed enough. It's wearing me out but I figure it'll all even out eventually. I love how tiny he is. I look forward to the fun months as he grows but a part of me wants him to stay just like he is for a while. Well, he's crying now as we speak, so I have to get off here.

He's here at last

I finally have my little guy....it was a long, complicated labor, but we pulled through thanks to some epidural help. I just have a minute to do a photo update. I sent these to a few of you already but just wanted a little posting publicly.

So busy

I keep putting things off that I can't put off any longer. I have to find a pediatrician for the baby, and get my own act together with various projects that I will not have time for later-like, a ton of thank you notes that I haven't had a chunk of time to take care of , and I just HAVE to get it going. We did our hospital tour a week ago and that was an interesting step to take. I had a small local baby shower at my sisters last Sunday. It was really nice to have my friend Robin from Tennessee visiting at the same time. Having such a huge change in my life coming up is starting to really finally hit me in a big way. There are a few aspects of the change that I am afraid of. I have always liked having control of myself. I've never really just surrendered my entire life to something else or someone else in every single way since adulthood. And that's just the way I've felt especially in the last few years. George and I have had this almost idyllic existence together, and this "honeymoon baby" is a big factor of change that is wonderful, and yet I always fear that it will be such a big change in our marriage and it's scary. We've rarely had issues needing to be resolved in day to day life, and a baby brings new issues to be resolved and I am hoping our lack of need for that previously doesn't leave us ill equipped. I don't want to be a statistic. Again. Not this time. Not ever again.

I'm getting nervous

There are so many conflicting stories and opinions on having babies. The chances of me being one of those easy stories seems awfully small. Knowing that, I just get a little freaked out. You'd think that with all the amazing miracles of medicine available today they'd figure out a way to make childbirth as easy as other formerly nightmare procedures used to be. I don't want to hear "but it's all worth it". Sorry, I am a serious WIMP. I barely survived getting my fingers stitched up. I hate to know that I am probably going to be doing the epidural option because I just am not up for hours of ridiculous pain. And just imagining that NEEDLE makes me ill !!! I KNOW my baby will be worth giving my life, but it shouldn't HAVE to be that way. So, all I can do is hope for the best. My pregnancy has been a healthy one. I wanted to go to a hypno birthing expert, but that costs serious money. I am doing some reading on the subject and who knows if that will help. I can't wait to see my little Nate. I wish I could just fast forward to that moment.

a free day off

I wasn't needed at either work places today which gave me a much needed day off. George and I actually accomplished a few important things. He knew I was getting pretty frantic and came through for me today. First, thank goodness, we just jumped into the car and went to Art Van for a good mattress set which we've put off too long, but it's so hard to just allow yourself to spend that much money in one place when you need so many things. But when push comes to shove, I am in desperate need of a good night's sleep and I am messing George's sleep up pretty badly in the process. I can't go choose something like that on my own, and we rarely are off at the same time. This week has been truly the last straw since I am truly feeling the weight of this baby more than ever. Art Van delivers and sets up....which is a big plus. We had a long to do list here at home, but our shopping trips including some hardware store needs took up major portions of our day. So, our next day off together is Sunday, which is our anniversary. I want that to be a nice day. Our best man just surprised us by sending us a copy of the only video that was taken that day. (bad planning on our part). It was great of him to get it to us by our anniversary. And starting next week, I hope to finally get a great night's sleep so things are really looking up.

The time flies by

We are nowhere near ready as far as the nursery project goes. We've got a lot of the painting done in the other rooms, but stuff must be moved out of that room still. I love George to pieces, but I really wish this was a real burning priority to him like it is to me. He gets so into his photography and other projects that he's consumed with, and I realize they are probably much more fun to do. I wish this "nesting' phase was contaigous. I can't be carrying boxes of books, etc.out of there. Realistically, the baby could be born at any time even tho' he's not due for over a month. I feel our living space is just complete chaos. We'll be having a lot of company visiting once he's born which has me in a panic. The good news: we've been given a crib and a changing table, along with many other needed items through the course of this pregnancy. What we have left to buy will hopefully be covered with gift certificates and maybe another baby shower. We've been really blessed so far.

I can't believe that our first wedding anniversary is this Sunday. This has been such an amazing year. I think we'll go someplace special for dinner. Being 8 months pregnant makes it hard to plan a get away or anything I'd normally want to do. I don't want to make the mistake some women do, and be so focused on this baby that my husband feels left out. We just got back from another visit to Virginia to see family and they were so generous with baby gifts, etc. We had a nice time but that car trip is the last one I want to take for a while.

A few little updates

My first baby shower in Indiana was last week. My sister Tiff, her husband Chris, George and I drove down together. We had a pretty nice time. I got to visit with some old friends and see a few of my great aunts. I ended up getting quite a few cute things for baby Nathaniel such as outfits, lots of baby bath stuff, and blankets, etc. George and Chris decided to go hit golf balls at a local course during the whole thing. George has since decided he wants to take up golf (God help me) so he picked up a little golf starter set yesterday at Play it Again Sports. He doesn't do too many physical sporty things so I can't really discourage it. I just don't want this to be an expensive hobby. Between the photography, canoe and kayak, and getting our home ready for a baby, I just don't see it being something we can invest in for a long time to come. We actually NEED to be thinking ahead, trying to plan for a house eventually. Housing around here, anywhere remotely close to Ann Arbor, is ridiculously high. Since I'll be working downtown hopefully for years to come, I just don't want to spend a lot of time commuting to a distant house.

Keeping busy....

......and getting bigger !! The work at the shop is going well. I am trying to just build skills and speed right now. I am basically part time for the summer. To see our shop and our team check out www.arcadebarbers.com. Our photo is in the "team" section. You can see me looking a little pregnant, though that picture doesn't really show anything ...intentionally!! I will be having my first baby shower in a little over a week in my hometown in Indiana. That should be fun.

A couple of weeks ago George and I got to work together doing a wedding for a friend of my sister's. He got to photograph. I got to do the bride's hair and make up. It turned out pretty well and we hope to eventually get to build up a side business doing some weddings together.. We had no previous experience so we're not able to charge much until we get a portfolio and a name for ourselves. You have to start somewhere though. His photos looked pretty good.

Finally working

I have finally received my license from the State and am certified and working. I am only able to get part time hours right now due to the slowdown of summer. That's probably best since I shouldn't be on my feet too many hours in a row as I progressively expand with "baby tummy". The spider veins are creeping up as it is....yuck. So far though, no stretch marks. I am also putting a few hours in here and there at my old photo lab just as a favor to them, and to keep me "in the game" there since I like having a little control over my own work that still needs to be completed. I can't believe that I am finally there. It's nice to have finally accomplished something. Now I have to start making some cash since I obviously can't depend on anyone else to come through for me. George needs a break and we have so many needs so he can't take one yet. I have faith, if only in the two of us together.

Today's ultrasound

Well, we finally got to see our little one again today, at a much more normal looking 5 months gestation, and after much persistent jiggling, got enough cooperation to figure out if it is a boy or a girl. Normally after I have a little coffee and breakfast I get all kinds of movement from the baby, but today somebody was being quite stubborn, happily napping curled into a little ball. (Of course, right NOW, there's all kinds of movement). Well, the ultrasound tech said she's usually more stubborn than the babies, tho' she said even this one was a challenge LOL. Even after the measurements were taken, etc. and she tried to take pictures, we couldn't get another shot of the genitals. Finally though we got the angle that we wanted....and it's a BOY !!! I didn't even care if it was a boy or a girl, tho' I think George might have liked a little "daddy's girl" but I've had a feeling all along it might be a boy. I'll have lots of boy things from my sister Beth whose little boy is 6 months old now. The photos are hard to read but view the larger image and it might make sense.

I'm still awaiting my license in the mail. I did pass the second and hardest Boards Exam. That was one of the most nerve-wracking days of my life. I really didn't feel I did that well. I did make a few distinct mistakes but thankfully they go by over all scoring and I pulled it off. I can't practice til the license arrives in the mail, however, so I am in limbo. I'll work at Foto1 again for a little while until I can't handle the hours anymore.

We just returned from Virginia beach, and that was great fun. I stayed at my sisters a few nights, then drove to the beach for 3 nights. It was kind of cold, which was fine with me since I didn't feel like looking at half naked people on the beach being pregnant and not excited about hanging out on a beach looking like a beach ball. It was beautiful otherwise.

The beating heart

What sound above all others can cause you to hold your breath, suspend all thoughts, and invade your heart, washing over you with a flood of love and realization unlike anything you've felt before? The 140 beats per second that you hear when your baby's heartbeat is made audible to you for the first time. Ultrasounds are powerful, but this little powerful strong sound just seemed so much more concrete than even that first image. When you consider that the "idea" of the image is what is so powerful when you see your baby at 12 weeks, because the baby is still so small and a little anatomically strange just yet. The doctor is pointing things out to you that would be hard to figure out on your own, because the image is so fleeting. Now, at 18 weeks, I have actually heard the heartbeat, loud and strong. There's no second-guessing....no questioning "am I hearing what I think I am hearing?" Ill be able to see a full ultrasound in a few weeks so I look forward to that as well. It's one more beautiful experience among so many.

Voice from the past

I am sure many of us have someone we've loved in the past who could still get to us if we allowed them to. I've cared for and loved a few men in my life, and I can't regret the experiences. They've shaped who I am now, and I finally learned how to recognize my Mr. Right. Until seven years ago, I didn't really know how it felt to fall in love. I was married nearly 9 years to a man that I initially cared for, and loved in a way, but the relationship was volatile and unhealthy. During the course of my marriage, I found a true best friend who made me see that I was a beautiful person inside and out. He of all people would want to know that my hopes of becoming a mother has finally materialized. My ex husband wanted nothing to do with having children, and had even had a vasectomy before we married to insure he never did. I was too blind to think about how that would affect me through the years of our marriage. This best friend of mine even talked to his wife about how she'd feel if he were to be a sperm donor to give me a child if I wanted one. It seems weird in hindsight- but he and his wife, and my ex and I actually got together to discuss this. I later learned that his marriage wasn't as stable as I'd always assumed. His wife initially didn't say "no way", because she loved being a mother herself, but later she couldn't deal with the idea of his being a donor, and of course that option never happened. I've since figured out she was -and is -an incredibly selfish woman. I guess now, I am very glad that I hadn't had his child. Through the course of my friendship with him, I fell deeply in love with him, and he with me, or at least I thought he did. Our marriages had been very bad for years, but I didn't want to ruin his life with his children by breaking up their home, so broken hearted, and divorced, I ran far away, to South Carolina and tried to go on with my life. It worked for a while, and I met someone that I cared for very much. Then BOOM that voice from the past called me and changed everything. His wife had left him for another woman of all things, and he was free to be with me if I still wanted him. I thought I had closed all those doors, but one phone call re-opened all the feelings that I thought had been dealt with. I moved back to Michigan, and for a while it was all I could hope for. But the damage done by his ex wife, and additional damage from childhood abuse took it's toll and we had to part ways. He needed to learn to how to make himself happy, and needed a lot of therapy. This time I really didn't think I'd recover from our breakup. He'd broken my heart twice. And it wasn't really anybody's fault either time. And I had no power over my emotions at future moments that I'd talk to him. I'd always hang up the phone crying my heart out, because I loved him so much. He knew me better than anyone. He could get into my head and my heart with the sound of his voice. This goes to show how much I needed someone like George. He has restored me and made me appreciate a healthy type of love. Well, that voice from my past called me yesterday. We've maintained a cautious friendship, but I don't pursue it out of respect for George. Well, as I figured would happen, he was so very happy for me that I was finally having the baby I wanted. He too seems to have found his personal happiness, and it felt so great to hang up the phone, and not feel the need to cry, or feel sadness. It's the happy ending I wanted, but thank God with the right man in my life. I am having a child with the man who truly is right. I am so happy to be strong again.

Just thinking about blogging.....

I remember my feelings when I first opened a blog page. I was excited to get my true thoughts and feelings out there. It seemed fun to have one of those flashy journals where you could insert "dancing aliens" or great photos, etc. except I suck at figuring stuff like that out. I could be an anonymous woman speaking for myself, and maybe occasionally echoing how another woman or man thinks or feels. Then, as time has progressed, I have become a bit repressed. I almost wish I were still anonymous. I re-read the tiny little entry I wrote nearly 1.5 years ago (I love to watch you sleep) where I could freely pour out my feelings of love and desire for my husband and not really think about or care if anyone noticed or responded. That entry actually garnished surprise attention and earned me an honorable mention for blogging. That is extremely hard to do now. Now, I feel shy to share such words. This hesitance REALLY isn't what I was after as a blogger. I feel more accountable, meaning that it's a little weird for me to know that some of my words are read by people who would then be led to mentally say .."ok...too much information, Jess". And I am NOT just saying that the words I would choose to write are inappropriate in sexual ways, etc. That's not really my style, and if I were to want to write in that style, I'd definitely have an intentionally anonymous journal. I just wonder if anyone else understands what I am saying or feeling. I've always fantasized about being a writer. I wanted to get on a journal forum, and just start releasing all that pent up wit and wisdom, and just have readers flocking to my pages as I've seen from other blogger's journals. Instead, I am completely boring myself. But then again, maybe this entry will at least make me feel better about it.

Boards Update

I finally have some boards testing dates, though they aren't happening as quickly as I'd hoped. Plus I know my sister and husband would both have loved me to get on track a little quicker as well. I guess I am trying to not feel too guilty about the off time, considering I won't be getting a lot of down time for the rest of my life, well at least not until I'm in my 50's...yikes !! My Practical exam happens May 6th. The week after testing George and I will try to take a little vacation to Virginia to visit my sister and maybe stay on the beach a couple of nights. We'll hope his car can survive the trip. And I can only hope they start dropping those gas prices. We'll be budgeting this one pretty tightly. The weather in Michigan has been pretty wonderful. I hate to say the word "rain" but unfortunately we need it. A couple of years ago our back yard yielded about 3 dozen yummy Morrell (sp?) mushrooms. This year may be too dry but we'll start checking anyway.

The baby has been a little quieter the past couple of days. Last Saturday was the most active. I figure I just have to give it time to get the full performance. And on another topic, I'm glad they finally elected a pope. Maybe my shows will stop being pre-empted. We non-Catholics are trying to be patient with this whole Pope furor, but c'mon...I've been watching black and white smoke on t.v. Thank goodness it hasn't been a long, ongoing process. I'd think the 5:00 clock news announcement of the new Pope should be more than sufficient considering how many alternate ways people can access news on a 24 hour basis these days. OK, enough ranting......

Waiting for Boards

I am getting a little stir crazy. I enjoy the ability to relax and work on projects that I'd put off when I was busier, but I do want to get moving on boards. I seem to have lost my text book and exam test book. I can't for the life of me figure out where the heck I've put them. I need them to study for the tests. Today's project is to look for them while doing some more organizing, etc. I hope to call the Boards phone line again, to see if I can start scheduling my exams SOON.

I felt a lot of baby "flutters" this morning. I had read in the baby articles online and in a few books that a first time mom may not feel anything until the 18th week or later. It's possible to feel something as soon as 16 weeks. I am entering the 17th week and I am pretty confident that I can feel movement , even if it's faint. It's pretty exciting. Also, my tummy is just growing like crazy. I think it's really increased in size a whole lot just in the past week. I am definitely needing the elastic waist bands and long shirts.

Finally graduated

Saturday was my final day of school. Now I have to send in my application to take my State Board exam. I need to start trying to work because I can't afford all the tons of things a baby needs. I don't have enough friends/family nearby or in a central location, to really do much of a shower. Meanwhile, in my down time I am organizing/spring cleaning and getting a jump start on getting a nursery room cleaned out and started. I don't have another baby appt. for about 3+ weeks. I may not be quite far enough along to find out if I have a boy or a girl, but it would be cool if they could tell. I always peek at baby clothes when I am out shopping, and it's so hard to not buy a little outfit here and there, I don't want a closet full of green and yellow things because of not knowing which colors to buy. Also, trying on maternity stuff is weird. I am not really big enough for full blown maternity wear, but I am definitely in limbo with the clothes I currently own. My jeans are tight in the waist and there's a definite "bubble" showing up in my fitted shirts. I absolutely REFUSE to wear sweat pants and large baggy t'shirts everywhere. I am going to look as attractive as possible for as long as possible. Well, that's the latest. It's great to be done with school !!

The first glimpse

Today I finally had my first prenatal visit. Boy was that a long time coming. It's hard to see that first "positive" sign on the home pregnancy test, and then be told you have to wait weeks and weeks to actually be examined fully. I've had all kinds of friends and family asking me questions that I didn't have the answers to. Today I expected to just get to hear the heartbeat with the doppler instrument they use. Instead I got to actually see an early ultra sound taken internally. It was so cool. You not only get that first glimpse of the baby, but you can see the heart working as well. The images aren't as clear as they will be as the baby grows, but it was clear enough to be such a relief. To hear him say that the baby is the right size based on our initial due date guess, etc. is great. It was a very emotional and beautiful experience, and will hopefully get better as time progresses. I am feeling pretty good over all. More updates as I get them....

Due date: September 28......two days after George's birthday :)

Done with school in TWO WEEKS...... !!!

things are moving right along

I am feeling pretty good so far. I have felt a little more "queasy" than I did the first few weeks, but I hope it doesn't progress to full-out morning sickness. I am reading all the information I can get my hands on, which helps with any nervousness I am feeling inside. I had to tow my car to the mechanic's today. I hope this isn't the beginning of another money pit car situation. I am so tired of cars crapping out on me. I think it may be my starter, but we'll find out tomorrow. I hope the day comes when I can actually get a GOOD vehicle. I especially worry about this with a baby on the way. I don't want to be stranded somewhere with a little one in tow. We have so much to think about and deal with. George's job situation isn't looking too promising and of course I am still laid off. I of course will eventually get some better money when I am done with school, and I can only hope his work place hangs in there til then. He's pursuing other avenues, including going back to school. I feel very lucky no matter what may come. Things always fall in line somehow.

Nervous and excited

Should I write this in pink.......or blue???

It's a bit early to blab to the universe, but apparently all my worries about being able to have a baby are over, since I have a blaringly POSITIVE result on the test I took this morning. My life is about to change forever. It's a bit sooner than I was expecting, but better too soon, than not at all. Now I must search for the right doctor , and all those fun things that come with it.

I'm alive and well

I actually had written a nice long update the other day, since it has been an unforgivably long time since my last writing, and as I tried to save it to the blog page, my P.O.S. computer decided to freeze up on me. (My computer's owner hadn't done a "defrag" in 6 mos. -I guess that could be a problem eh?) Well, we'll try again. I am within 300 hours of being done at Miss Katie's College of Horror-er..Beauty. I am so close and it seems like I am just reaching the crest of the hill, and my engine doesn't want to keep chugging upward. I feel like I am in quicksand or something. But I know I'll look back on it all and wonder why I was worried. The more I learn about some aspect of the Beauty industry, the more I know I have to learn. I am the type of person who really wants to be GOOD at everything I attempt. It makes me afraid to even start a new project because I put that pressure on myself. And, unfortunately, not everything in this business has just come naturally to me. I have truly had to work hard at it. I see some of the girls in school who are over 15 years younger than me, and just totally clueless about the way the world works, but can do the work at school without a second of hesitation. I grit my teeth and try to remember the part in school where they said "Success in this business is only partially about skill with hair, but you have to have skill with people." That part I know I have down pretty well.

Life in other areas is pretty ok. I did lose my job just as I was attempting to pay off the last of my bill to the school owner. It's going to really be tough making ends meet but I know we'll manage. George has been wonderful. He often works at least a 60 hour week to help us keep on top of things. It wears him out, and when I was working and going to school, I didn't feel so guilty but I can't really go get a new job knowing that I'll have to quit to go to the barbershop almost as soon as I start. So, all I can do is try and help out where possible. I guess I'd better post this entry in the hopes that I don't lose it again. I am hoping I can post a picture soon as well. My new nephew is getting cuter and chubbier every day. He's 17lbs now. And he's not a long baby, so he looks like a little round Butterball turkey. I just spent this past weekend visiting the baby and Hallie. Every second with them is precious. My unofficial New Year's resolution....to try to update this blog at least 2 times a month !!. Happy New Year.....