I can't even really tell you why I am sad. I am also happy, since the man I was meant to love, finally came to me, but through a lot of pain and misunderstanding up 'til this point. I guess I just realized that 3 years of my life was apparently just a big joke. Actually a lot of the years from marriage on, were a farce, but I needed some of those experiences to learn from. I don't want to get into what's really going on in my mind beyond that. The older you get, the more sad it makes you to know you have no way of reclaiming time. I know that in my heart, I've only done the very best I could, in the situations I have been placed in. I have been pure of heart. I have been as straight as I could be. I've done stupid things, but with only the very truest intentions.. I've trusted the wrong people. I've given my heart to people who abused it, and have loved them anyway. Most of the men I've loved have been selfish. That really gets old after a while. Since mostly men read this, I don't really expect them to respond to this. I'd rather they didn't actually. At least not to these previous words. You know where to find me. I am not trying to "generalize" men. A few truly great men are also in my life, and I am thankful for that. It's been a long week and I guess I am a bit tired, and confused, and I am beyond thinking any more about the issue. I have had to make decisions that would keep my soul from withering and dying in the end. My ex husband was taking the very life force out of me, when I had to make the worst decision of my life-divorce. I'd never thought I'd ever ever do that. I just wasn't raised that way. I have had a way of finding men who can only make their decisions based on their little universe and how I could best fit into it. I hate it when a man can only exist in a universe where a woman is put into it to satisfy his every whim and desire or need, at her own expense. She isn't a person, she is a servant: a verbal, mental, or physical punching bag. I can only hope that I am now finally cured of that treatment. I look back and I just shake my head and realize that I need this happiness I have now found. Ineed this partnership, this equality.
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Jess you will be ok. I know pain of relationships too. Sometimes we just make bad decisions with the little we know at the time. But I have seen you grow over the last year. You are going to be ok. I wish you the best in this marriage. If you ever want some advice or a friend my email address is here. You are a good person. I too am hoping to soon be stepping on with my life. Be sweet john
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