countdown.....

I can't even really tell you why I am sad. I am also happy, since the man I was meant to love, finally came to me, but through a lot of pain and misunderstanding up 'til this point. I guess I just realized that 3 years of my life was apparently just a big joke. Actually a lot of the years from marriage on, were a farce, but I needed some of those experiences to learn from. I don't want to get into what's really going on in my mind beyond that. The older you get, the more sad it makes you to know you have no way of reclaiming time. I know that in my heart, I've only done the very best I could, in the situations I have been placed in. I have been pure of heart. I have been as straight as I could be. I've done stupid things, but with only the very truest intentions.. I've trusted the wrong people. I've given my heart to people who abused it, and have loved them anyway. Most of the men I've loved have been selfish. That really gets old after a while. Since mostly men read this, I don't really expect them to respond to this. I'd rather they didn't actually. At least not to these previous words. You know where to find me. I am not trying to "generalize" men. A few truly great men are also in my life, and I am thankful for that. It's been a long week and I guess I am a bit tired, and confused, and I am beyond thinking any more about the issue. I have had to make decisions that would keep my soul from withering and dying in the end. My ex husband was taking the very life force out of me, when I had to make the worst decision of my life-divorce. I'd never thought I'd ever ever do that. I just wasn't raised that way. I have had a way of finding men who can only make their decisions based on their little universe and how I could best fit into it. I hate it when a man can only exist in a universe where a woman is put into it to satisfy his every whim and desire or need, at her own expense. She isn't a person, she is a servant: a verbal, mental, or physical punching bag. I can only hope that I am now finally cured of that treatment. I look back and I just shake my head and realize that I need this happiness I have now found. Ineed this partnership, this equality.

How to have a wedding budget conversation with fiancee

1) Have a nice stiff drink

2) Make sure he isn't tired, hungry, or playing Socom 2

3) Brush up on your speech class skills

4) Pretend you're a politician

5) Remind him that you only get to get married once, so you really have to get this right the first time around.

6) Memorize every minute detail of every scrap of paper, ribbon, invitation samples and fabric samples that you had to pay to get samples of, so that by the time you recite the whole list, he'll be going, "Well no wonder this thing is $2,000 over budget. I'm so proud of you honey for not making it $3,000 over."

This has been my week. The lowest point of our engagement, actually, has been the tension surrounding this final panic of how are we going to really pull this thing off. . I've actually been incredibly THRIFTY, bargain hunting, and I should give classes on how to keep a wedding beautiful but affordable. I know it will work out in the end. I haven't allowed myself to think about the school problems this week. I'll try to post some pictures as things happen. I'll definitely have some wedding shots before September.