It's been a month !

I didn't realize so much time had passed since I' ve been able to write. And there's too many little things that have happened in all that time. I've pretty much lived the same daily existence, but a few things come to mind: First, my sister Bethamy had a beautiful baby boy, so I have another nephew Brian Layne Wilson. My birthday was a couple of weeks ago. George took me out for a nice romantic dinner and was completely wonderful to me. It was one of the best birthdays I've ever had. However, birthdays are really truly freaking me out right now. I can't let another birthday go by without really figuring out how I am going to juggle my life, new up-coming career, and the possibility of trying to have children. It's been hitting me lately just how unfairly the male vs. female reproductive age has been set up by whomever is in charge of this universe. If there is a God, here's yet another reason why I am convinced God is Male. God is a bit sexist in too many ways to count. I feel and look a lot younger than my years. I really want to be able to have more than a couple more years to decide something with such a huge impact on my life. I've been completely unable to consider a family before now. My life until I met George just wouldn't have accommodated a child. It's wonderful that I finally have met the man of my dreams, and yet I am incredibly sad that it didn't happen 10 years ago, or even 5. Of course 10 years ago, I wouldn't have appreciated him, and since I kind of robbed the cradle, he wouldn't have been ready then. He was barely past drinking age. Now that's a funny thought. Well, that was quite a rabbit trail from my original opening words, but my birthday, and the subsequent pre holiday shopping and Christmas get togethers have kept me at a steady run since I last posted a blog. I hope everyone's having a great December.

It feels like the end of the world

I have been a Republican minded person for many years. I never thought I'd switch my point of view. And I can't help feeling this sinking feeling of doom contemplating the next four years. I don't engage in the arguments that surround me from friends, classmates, and co workers. I am not writing this in my journal so that anyone else can then argue with me or give their opinion. I am very educated and I do my homework. Unlike in the past, I've actually decided to use my own brain instead of letting others tell me how I am supposed to think and feel. My feelings about this presidency and about Republican vs. Democrat have never been cut and dry. There are strong points and weak points to both parties. I hear on NPR that the over all feeling from people who voted for Bush was more because of his "morality" and that's the very thing about him that made me switch parties and vote Democrat. I've been appalled at the manipulations, the lies, and the basic bullshit that we've been handed and are expected to put up with. That's not MY definition of moral. All year I've been thinking to myself, SURELY people aren't falling for this crap? Surely, someone out there has a PROBLEM with what's been going on in regards to this war. And I had to shake my head yesterday as I saw the election results, and then would hear reasons for why it happened. "He seems so strong, unwavering". "He should be allowed to finish what he started". That's like saying that the factory up the river might as well keep dumping their shit in the water, and finish off the fish since they might as well finish what they started. And speaking of pollution, I can't wait for my great grandchildren to read this and other journals I've written describing life in a world where they don't have to live in a bubble to survive. Maybe while I am here I should describe the forests and the beauty that still remains as part of our earth. I'll quit ranting now. I hope to God we don't all regret putting such a puppet back in the White House.

It started with a kiss.....

It's been a week since I had time to update my blog. That has a lot to do with the fact that the "powers that be" at my work place have decided we no longer need web access on the main printer that I am working on. That's my only real free time. During lag time I will take a moment to write and read email and update entries to the blog. So, with a quirky cd reader on this computer at home, posting my pics to my photo journal I am working on has also come to a stand still unless I can get it to work by some miracle. George said he'd help me.

Well, this blog is a reflection on George's birthday. We had a really nice time, enjoyed a couple of nice dinners with just the two of us, and then with my sister and her husband, whose birthday is the same day as George's. When I say "it started with a kiss", this was actually the "anniversary" of when I realized George and I had crossed over to an interest in each other that was "more" than friendship. It's truly one of my fondest memories of our shy beginning two years ago. I found out later that George had "rainchecked" a birthday dinner invite from his mom, because I spoke up a few days before his birthday and asked if he'd like to come over and watch ER with me and I'd cook him a simple birthday dinner, chocolate cake and all. Up to this point he and I had become good friends, and I was so attracted to him, but still wasn't sure if he saw me as more than just a good friend. He was playing the coy boy, I suppose. He'd seem so interested in spending time with me, but he wasn't making "moves" for the same reasons I wasn't. He knew I'd been through so much relationship hell, and I think he was afraid I'd blow him off. The evening of his 30th birthday was the same as previous get togethers. We had a nice time talking, watching t.v., ate dinner and just did our usual relaxed friendly thing. I usually would hug him goodbye in a platonic way, but this evening, something possessed me to tip toe up and give him a quick kiss on the lips. I IMMEDIATELY inwardly freaked out, tho' he didn't register a negative reaction. He just smiled, said "goodnight" and went to his car. After he drove away, I spent the rest of the night going "you stupid idiot.....he probably DOESN'T even like you that way, and now he's going to avoid you at work."

The next day, though, he was his usual friendly self, and I thought..."this is a good sign- I suppose". But again, in his then-maddening way, he wouldn't acknowledge how exactly he was thinking or feeling about ANYTHING. He has since opened his heart to me completely. Later, upon leaving work for the evening, we said our "see ya laters" and he drove off, while I sat in the parking lot checking my phone messages. A minute later, his car comes circling back into the parking lot, and I fig'd he'd left something in the building. I rolled my window down as he got out of his car and started walking my way. He came to my window, leaned down and said "I forgot something" and proceeded to give me one of those sweet sexy kisses that make every single one of your nerve endings come alive from head to toe. Then, he got in his car and drove away. I was speechless. I must have sat there for God knows how long, unable to move or think. The first thought that finally registered was..."Oh my God, my life is about to change". I just seemed to know at that moment that he was "the one".

That was a template for how our relationship would progress through the next year and a half 'til our engagement. Both of us were carefully cultivating our love, yet he was endlessly surprising me with the answers I needed whenever I'd want to know where his heart was. He and I both were cautious, but so in sync, so perfect. I will do everything in my power to keep those sweet surprises as a regular part of our lives together.

It's 9/11, and it's been 3 weeks

I can't believe 3 weeks have passed since the ceremony. Two years ago today, George and I went on a "practice date". In other words, I was depressed from the anniversary of 9/11 and didn't want to go home to face the t.v. horror stories. I asked in a very casual way if he'd like to go see a movie to get away from it all, and my coworker Patty heard we were going and wanted to go too. Technically, this was NOT a real date whatsoever, and her going with us was no problem. In hind-sight though, it's funny because when she asked later..." did I just crash a date or something???" we both had this slightly surprised expression of "denial", each thinking to ourselves that we wouldn't have minded if it had been a date, but afraid to speak up and say so in case the other didn't feel that way and would then run "screaming into the night". Especially since we had both had such heartbreak in previous relationships etc.and each knew this about the other. We started off with such extreme caution, afraid to death of starting over. Well, instead it's been "happily ever after".

I finally think I can get some pictures posted from work. I hate being at work, but I'd hate being at school even more. I will post pics periodically as I can.

Bridezilla days

I have to say, I think I am doing amazingly well at holding my temper, remaining patient, and not going off on people. At school, this can be hard at times. Some of the girls are rude, immature, and inconsiderate. There's this one girl in particular who will show up 10 minutes late, after we've all chosen our work stations for the day, and when you vacate your seat for a minute, she plops her butt right into your chair, and doesn't want to move. She does it knowing full well that it causes tension and stress. When I am in the middle of working on paperwork, and wedding -related things, and have my stuff set up there, my paperwork spread around, etc., I don't want to move it. Technically, we all share stations when need be, and that's fine if she needs a chair, has a client, and I am not busy with a client myself. But to boot me out of my original seat so she can sit and B.S. with her airhead friends, is not reasonably allowable in my world. I tend to choose my battles wisely, however, and try to not sweat the small stuff, so she hasn't gotten the bad end of my rage yet. We'll see. She's about to graduate, and then my class will be the top dogs of the school for the next few months.

The wedding details are rolling along beautifully. George was cute today, telling me on the phone that he's feeling so excited about everything, and really looking forward to getting to SC, and being married. I've worried sometimes, since he's been a bachelor for so many years. I figured he'd start getting cold feet, or at least a good deal of nervousness. But he's cool as a cuke, and I'm the one bouncing off the walls with all the details still needing finalized, etc.

I am not sure if I can update this much before the wedding. We'll see. I may need to vent some more unless things keep moving along smoothly.

countdown.....

I can't even really tell you why I am sad. I am also happy, since the man I was meant to love, finally came to me, but through a lot of pain and misunderstanding up 'til this point. I guess I just realized that 3 years of my life was apparently just a big joke. Actually a lot of the years from marriage on, were a farce, but I needed some of those experiences to learn from. I don't want to get into what's really going on in my mind beyond that. The older you get, the more sad it makes you to know you have no way of reclaiming time. I know that in my heart, I've only done the very best I could, in the situations I have been placed in. I have been pure of heart. I have been as straight as I could be. I've done stupid things, but with only the very truest intentions.. I've trusted the wrong people. I've given my heart to people who abused it, and have loved them anyway. Most of the men I've loved have been selfish. That really gets old after a while. Since mostly men read this, I don't really expect them to respond to this. I'd rather they didn't actually. At least not to these previous words. You know where to find me. I am not trying to "generalize" men. A few truly great men are also in my life, and I am thankful for that. It's been a long week and I guess I am a bit tired, and confused, and I am beyond thinking any more about the issue. I have had to make decisions that would keep my soul from withering and dying in the end. My ex husband was taking the very life force out of me, when I had to make the worst decision of my life-divorce. I'd never thought I'd ever ever do that. I just wasn't raised that way. I have had a way of finding men who can only make their decisions based on their little universe and how I could best fit into it. I hate it when a man can only exist in a universe where a woman is put into it to satisfy his every whim and desire or need, at her own expense. She isn't a person, she is a servant: a verbal, mental, or physical punching bag. I can only hope that I am now finally cured of that treatment. I look back and I just shake my head and realize that I need this happiness I have now found. Ineed this partnership, this equality.

How to have a wedding budget conversation with fiancee

1) Have a nice stiff drink

2) Make sure he isn't tired, hungry, or playing Socom 2

3) Brush up on your speech class skills

4) Pretend you're a politician

5) Remind him that you only get to get married once, so you really have to get this right the first time around.

6) Memorize every minute detail of every scrap of paper, ribbon, invitation samples and fabric samples that you had to pay to get samples of, so that by the time you recite the whole list, he'll be going, "Well no wonder this thing is $2,000 over budget. I'm so proud of you honey for not making it $3,000 over."

This has been my week. The lowest point of our engagement, actually, has been the tension surrounding this final panic of how are we going to really pull this thing off. . I've actually been incredibly THRIFTY, bargain hunting, and I should give classes on how to keep a wedding beautiful but affordable. I know it will work out in the end. I haven't allowed myself to think about the school problems this week. I'll try to post some pictures as things happen. I'll definitely have some wedding shots before September.

Memorial weekend

I am going to miss my sister and my niece. The month of May flew by. They'll be heading to Virginia in the next couple of days where my bro. in law is newly stationed. It's a step above living in South Dakota where they've been the past 3 years, but it's still too far away. My niece has gotten sweeter and cuter as time goes by. I've played some hookie from school with them in town because of the rare amount of time I get to spend with her. I'll have to really make up for lost time once they've left, but the wedding will also keep me running off and on. My two feuding sisters make me crazy still, and Beth and I are always in the middle. Vanessa wants to see her niece as much as the rest of we aunts do, but she's done a lot of damage to everyone around her. Unfortunately, she doesn't realize what she's done, or won't face any fault she might have in all the various situations. It makes me tired. Well, I don't have anything too fun to add. I would like to add however, that I am totally SICK AND TIRED of being ripped off by dishonest sellers on Ebay. I am so broke and trying to use Ebay to finance my wedding and keep within a budget, and can't even get an honest transaction and my money is thrown away. At least 4 times I've been ripped off. And once they duck off as a seller, you can't contact them and find out what the damn story is. I wish there was protection for the buyers. All the dishonest seller has to do is start up a new Ebay account as a brand new anonymous seller. It's ridiculous. I am glad this is a long weekend. That's always a great thing.

Today was a nice day

Today my Indianapolis Colts WON their game. George and I got to snuggle up most of the day and watch the games like I was hoping and missing, and he even got online and is trying to be helpful picking out wedding songs for my brother and my friend Robin to sing at our ceremony. Our biggest dilemma is our tastes in music are only about 30% the same. Thankfully there are SOME things we both like together, but he's one of those "Eeeeeeeewww no cheezy luv songs puhleeeeeze" (-in spite of being a big MUSHBALL.)

So, I say "hey...what about this song?...I LOVE EDWIN McCAIN !!"

and he says "I have an Edwin McCain album and I HATE IT"

and I say "well, which album is it for Chrissake cuz how could you not like 'I Could Not Ask For More' " ?? (And it's the perfect type of song my brother would sound great singing).

So, it's verbal ping pong. And then I about died and went to heaven when I found a beautiful cd of wedding music set to a harp...I LOVE THE HARP!!! And it's perfect for an outside nature setting, since I am going to have to bring a stereo system and cd's to play the various processional music etc.

..and he says "But, I love PIANO.." ....and harps seem so pretentious..." (HUH?)

and I go "Honey...if I could hire musicians to play live up on the side of a mountain, I don't think they're going to lug a piano up with them...it would be stringed instruments"... (and I don't think they'd be playing the very unpretentious "Chopsticks" on the piano do you suppose?) SEE MY DILEMMA???? Ode to JOY... Oh well, I love him to pieces anyway...