Christmas visits

It's the day after Christmas and I have to say that this has been the happiest Christmas that I can remember for so many reasons. First, my biggest wish of having George propose to me came true, but I was able to see every single member of my family and George's this year, and that was very wonderful. My sister from South Dakota came home and of course that meant spending some time with my niece.

George's whole family was in on the proposal and I had NO CLUE !! He'd disguised the ring box in a bigger box and had placed it in the back of the pile so that everyone would be watching me when it became my turn to open my "gift". I open the bigger box, and inside is this ring box and it STILL didn't dawn on me that it might be THE RING. Probably because his family were all there, and it just didn't occur to me that he'd surprise me like that. So I open it and there is this diamond ring. My eyes got super wide, and I said "WHAT is THIS?? " And he took my hand and went on one knee and in this choked up voice asked "Jess, will you marry me?" I was already crying by the time his knee touched the ground. And then I threw my arms around him and I said "OF COURSE I WILL !!" mixed in with a few rounds of " Oh my God I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!" And as soon as his mom and sisters and grandparents heard me say "Yes" they all burst out in applause. So, I am SO HAPPY. And now I get to try and figure out when the heck I want to pull this thing off ! I have so many friends and family members spread all over the country. It helps that I want to keep the wedding pretty small. In fact, I want to go to Symmes Chapel in South Carolina which is this open air covered chapel on the side of a mountain with a gorgeous view. It's a much sought after wedding spot at certain times of the year. But I want George to approve of the place so maybe we'll get a chance to drive there and check it out soon. I would love that. So anyway, that's the latest on this weekend. More to come along with pictures.

Big News !!!!

I will be adding pictures soon !!! But I couldn't wait to get online from my brother's computer in Indiana to say that my wish for Christmas came true !! George asked me to marry him....and of course I said YES !! I'll be blogging the details soon, but I had to write now or just explode. Happy Holidays !!

Reconciling and remembering

Today's emails and blog entries have all surprisingly touched on a similar theme from so many I know today. We are all thinking about the past and wondering about past relationships, some with regrets, and some with a thankful heart that the past didn't have to be the blueprint for the future. I guess I learned that you can be be nearly destroyed by your soul mate. I personally believe that you have more than one "special someone" who could be the someone you could spend your life with and happily. But not always are the two of you in the same place at the same time. One of you blows it, and when you finally "wise up" and try to patch it up, the other has moved on. Then, thankfully, eventually, the timing is right with someone, and you have that wonderful relationship, at the perfect time that it's supposed to happen. That doesn't mean that your heart doesn't jump backward when you hear a special song, or see someone from a distance who looks similar. For instance, I don't think I will ever be able to go to Disney World again in my life. Because one of the hopeful future memories I was to have made with the one man who's broken my heart, included a trip there, and it didn't happen. And now the very thought of going there just makes me sad. And that's not the way you're supposed to think of Disney World. I am glad my heart has recovered and I am happy. And I wish the same for anyone who is still searching.

Mars vs. Venus

It hasn't been too awful of a Monday. Tomorrow will be a busy one, and it will progress through the 24th. This past weekend's party went well but I have to comment on the "Mars Vs. Venus" game that is on the market. Yes, there is A BOARD GAME based on the Mars vs. Venus series of books. Granted, there are some pretty basic, valid male vs. female facts that are true across the board and the books have interesting things to say and probably will help a lot of otherwise clueless people. But the game is doomed to fail from the beginning for the women. Basically, the very nature of our differences causes one side to have the advantage over the other. There are a few wonderful rare exceptions, but men by nature, and even more so by cultural influence, tend to not want to "talk about their inner child" or their soft sensitive side....and all that psycho babble rot, and women have been given that green light. So, we talk talk talk...and love to let a man know how we feel at most given moments. Unless we're so pissed we revert to silent treatment, which gets no one anywhere. But this game asks questions requiring the men to try and "guess" how a woman would react, or think, or feel in certain situations, and vice versa. The men know the answers because they have heard their women talking about what they want or need and over time, the familiarity factor just kicks in. Women don't know half the things the men are going to say or answer, because they just haven't "talked about" these things voluntarily...EVER!!. And if they do have to give an answer that they know wouldn't be popular to the female crowd, or to their significant other in particular, they are quite likely to just give they answer they think we "want to hear"...for whatever reasons-probably self-preservation. And if they're afraid to answer, they can choose option "D" which is to go to the "cave". So, after thinking about the resounding ass kickin' the gals got playing the game, it dawned on me just exactly WHY women probably can't win this game. But, I have to say, it was still a lot of fun, and pretty darn educational.

My favorite topic: Love

I've written 3 blogs today, and normally I wouldn't do that, but I had a lot on my mind before all the other stuff that was stuffed in front of it. I guess that I've reached this point in my life where I am feeling terribly vulnerable when it comes to love and my heart. I have decided to give it one more shot thanks to George, even though I've been through so much heartache. Everyone has to have their heart broken at some point, and I admire those who pick themselves up and go on. So, I did it, I let him into my heart ALL THE WAY!! I am such an old fashioned "traditionalist" but if I could do the asking, I'd be engaged already. I know women have switched roles, and have actually done the proposing, but I can't really do that. Yet I want it so badly. Life has been so chaotic, so up in the air. I just want some "order". I want to know what's going to happen. I want to be able to say "A year from now, I'll be a married woman working on having a baby" I already know George wants that. But it's always one of those "someday" conversations. I want my someday to have a date attached to it. If I were in my 20's, I'd not really be feeling this urgency. But I've been through enough shit in my love life...I want to cram as much GOOD and happiness into the rest of my years as I possibly can. I've waited a long time to have what I've finally found, and I am just beyond READY to take it all the way. I don't want some expensive ring on my finger, I just want a plain band if that's what it takes. If it makes it happen sooner, I'd be happy with the promise, not the jewelry. What the ring symbolizes is what matters. So that's really where my head has been lately. I just want to belong 100% to George in every way.

I am a bit calmer

This week just hasn't gone all that greatly. Thanks to a very computer savvy friend of mine, I was able to figure out the backdoor program causing my computer problem, and apparently it's a virus that lurks and waits for you to sign on to "PayPal" and grabs financial information. Unfortunately, PayPal's Terms are such, that you HAVE NO PROTECTION if anything goes wrong. So I hope to God I don't find out that my accounts were raided. It's happened to a friend of mine so everyone, BE WARNED. So, let's see, where did I leave off before all this. Oh yeah: My new first and middle names are ELMER S. and the last name is GLUE. I try like hell to make arrangements to have a little bit of a break at work, to get this "move" thing done a little bit each day, and I don't know why I bother. I stayed til 1 a.m. Tues night, and my darling friend and co worker called in sick the next day (and it was partly bull**) wasting my efforts to stay ahead. The day before that , she decided to go help people in another department instead of doing our work. Work due at 4 and 5 were late,- inexcusable as slow as our work load has been. Today, she was there and it was an ok day except for the computer snafu. Tomorrow is Friday, and I would love to get a nice easy day out of it. During all of this, I've been my sister's only ride to work- or anywhere else- so I have to work around her schedule and still get my stuff done. My other sister (her boss) keeps threatening to fire her since she can't get to work. GEE DO THE MATH: NO work, no money, no money, no car. GET A CLUE YOU TWO !!! I am beginning to think that I should have called my journal "Who can I blog to death" ? Alright, I need to sign off and do something more useful.

A response for John

I am thinking back to the feelings I had in my head and heart before I met George. I had found what I thought was my soul mate. I don't even like writing about him because of my respect and love for George and the beauty he's brought back into my heart. I just remember the pain of the loss of this man. As I was going through the process of losing him, each and every time I would allow my thoughts to dwell on him I would have this gradually increasing swell of pain that would richochet through my heart and stomach. It was kind of like holding your hand over a flame, the longer you hold it there, the deeper the pain. My heart started feeling like a hand over the flame and I would quickly "withdraw" my thoughts and push them back into a corner of my head somewhere as a form of self preservation. I wrote this during that time:

A REASON TO LIVE

When you look into the windows of my soul and the rooms seem so cold and so bare.

Does the dimness of life's light through the tear-spattered panes make it seem as if no one is there?

As much as my pain-ridden soul longs to leave -this dwelling so riddled with grief,

I'm still here, huddled down in a corner of myself ,kept alive by a simple belief.

Though my heart is suspended in a pool of pain, no longer pulsing love's warmth to my soul,

I'll still wait for the knock on it's hollow door letting love back inside 'til it's whole.

So look into this seemingly lifeless abode and knock on my door once again.

Call out my name, pull the shades from my eyes and let love's light flood back in.

poetry for the love lorn

Have I always loved you?

Yours weren't the footprints I expected to see as

I walk down a path that's already been set.

The logic escapes me that I feel so completely this

Wasn't the lifetime in which we first met.

An invisible cord ties your heart to mine and

I'm left to wonder when this thread was first spun.

Can the stirring I feel whenever I'm near you mean

That something between us has been left undone?

Did this heated emotion once burn unchecked a

Lifetime ago, maybe two, maybe three?

Was I ever your child, your lover, your brother and

Do you ever wonder the same thoughts of me?

Why are we here at a time in our lives when

Our hearts aren't completely ours to give?

To have you nearby but never quite have you:

To know I'm alive but not free to live.

If you're not to be with me in this present moment and

Were ever beside me in some glorious past,

Oh to have just the memory to hold to for comfort

Til our moment together can happen at last.

For to think of the future is to hope for a lifetime of

Sharing a path from beginning to end.

For now I'll consider myself to be lucky to

Live in the present and call you my friend.

Written by me ages ago at a time of self discovery. I just hope it appeals to someone out there who's trying to find love and wonders what's real and what isn't? I just wish I could figure out how to put the lines closer together. Why does it double space between lines? I've read other poetry on here that seems to work fine! This paragraph is fine!

Big sister or pendulum?

I guess being the oldest of 8 siblings may carry some responsibilities. Or maybe just being a sister has more to do with my situation. I love all my brothers and sisters very much. Not that every moment of our younger years was peaceful, but I am tremendously sad that distance, and personality conflicts seem to cause that illusion of the golden days of childhood innocence to disentegrate. I look back and just wish for the days when all there was to fight about was "did you wear my shoes?" For now, I am given the role of peacemaker. I have two sisters in particular with whom I am close, both geographically, and emotionally. They are unfortunately very much alike, and seem unable to co exist in the same zipcode. They both have legitimate gripes about the other, and to me both sides make total sense when presented individually, but together it's like I am trying to listen to a latin lesson in which I see the lips moving in English. That line I just wrote actually makes no sense at all, but I know what I am trying to say if nobody else does-haha. I just want to scream sometimes and just say "why can't you see what I see?" Or better yet, "why can't you fix your own problems and let the her fix hers?" They make me crazy. So all I can do is present my own spin to the story, and give my thoughts, and hope it does some good. The beauty of being the oldest is you have nobody to impress but yourself. And I don't feel like I have to answer to anyone younger than me for any of my actions. I don't feel that rivalry. Oh...the DRAMA....!! Makes things pretty interesting.

Thank goodness for friends

Never turn your back on a friend in need. The past few years in life have taught me that we all were given certain amounts of coping skills. It's sad that some need that little extra 'boost' that maybe they can only get from you on a particular day. I have always considered myself to be strong. If I am handed more than I think I can handle, I have such great friendships and their wisdom sees me through. I've been to hell and back but I do know, though, that for the most part I've been able to work through it. However, I know several of my friends are truly unable to jump certain hurdles without taking it to a further medical level. They are frustrated that they must rely on therapists, or medication to see them through the tough times. And it's up to those of us who have gotten through bad times by ourselves, to let them know.."Hey..it's OK if you need help... If you need to see someone, PLEASE go do that. If you need medical help to help resolve things, it's OK. You don't have to do it all alone." I make sure to remind them that I completely understand and am in full support of the need to seek help beyond themselves. I've been told by those friends that it's nice to know that they aren't seen as "weak" by someone who seems to be strong. Well, the truth is, we all can be pretty weak. We all handle our problems differently. What's important is that you be happy and at peace.

Catching up....

I first want to say thank you to those who stop here to read and respond to whatever I may have to say. It's very gratifying to know somebody's out there and a little interested in your rantings. Some days I feel like I have more going on inside my head than others. I have written various things in the past that I've been too chicken to let others read, but maybe someday I'll post a few things and hopefully get some honest opinions. But for today , it was a pretty average day with the majority of it being spent at work. While there I was able to burn a cd of photos from the wedding to post here. I know some of my friends wanted to see a current picture of me and of George, and since I so absolutely HATE having pictures taken, VOILA..!! Here ya go. Isn't he just adorable? Well, I think so and that's what's important. I am spending most of my time trying to decide exactly when and how I'll get back into cosmetology school. The last school I started attending was a complete JOKE !! There wasn't a teacher there full time because the owners didn't think ahead enough to replace their current one even though she'd let everyone know she had to cut back to two days a week. Well, I just ended up sitting back in the classroom all by myself while punched into the time clock. I prefer to actually get my money's worth out of school, so I walked out after 3 weeks and didn't come back. Now I MUST find a new one soon, because I am so ready to quit working in a photo lab and actually earn a better living finally. I do have a job waiting for me once I get through, and it's a GOOD shop. And it will take me at least 10 months to finish and get licensed, if I go full time. The thought of full time school with as much full time work hours on top of it that I can handle, makes me a bit nervous, but I know much busier people than I accomplish that and more. So I have no excuse. Onward and Upward.

A beautiful day....

We had a nice time at the wedding. It couldn't have been a more gorgeous fall day. It was located at a beautiful spot where there was once a mill and winery. There were only about 25 people there and the ceremony was simple but nice. This being a second wedding, it was very appropriately and tastefully done. Last night I spent the night with my boyfriend and his sisters at their family lake house. It has been in their family for many many years. It was just wonderful to be there. The boating season is over, and the cottages and lake houses are pretty much closed up for the winter so the peacefulness was amazing. The moon was full, and the air was cool enough after a fairly warm day that there was a beautiful mist coming up off the water and it glowed in the moonlight. So I guess I would have to say that the weekend has been a success. Tomorrow the wedding couple will be having a brunch at their new home for guests who weren't a part of the ceremony today. So, quite a long list of events to keep track of but still, sometimes it's nice to have your weekend planned when it's such an incredible one weather-wise, etc.

Defining love

Love is a puzzling cycle: both beautiful and painful. Tomorrow someone I know gets married. And while he's exchanging vows and heading into what one would presume will be a union of happiness, a woman sits at home and feels pain at the loss of him. He stopped loving her; she had given him everything her heart could hold. It's pretty sad that love can mean different things to different people.

I love to watch you sleep

I find myself placing my lips on your forehead or the tip of your nose, not wanting to wake you, yet loving the look in your eyes when you notice I'm  there through half-closed lids.  You give a small half smile as you close your eyes again.  You feel so warm and your unique scent permeates the air in those little spaces that  envelope your body beneath the folds in the covers and I just want to crawl inside and be one with you in that little spot of heaven.  (my thoughts after  peeking in at George before I head to work)