My favorite topic: Love

I've written 3 blogs today, and normally I wouldn't do that, but I had a lot on my mind before all the other stuff that was stuffed in front of it. I guess that I've reached this point in my life where I am feeling terribly vulnerable when it comes to love and my heart. I have decided to give it one more shot thanks to George, even though I've been through so much heartache. Everyone has to have their heart broken at some point, and I admire those who pick themselves up and go on. So, I did it, I let him into my heart ALL THE WAY!! I am such an old fashioned "traditionalist" but if I could do the asking, I'd be engaged already. I know women have switched roles, and have actually done the proposing, but I can't really do that. Yet I want it so badly. Life has been so chaotic, so up in the air. I just want some "order". I want to know what's going to happen. I want to be able to say "A year from now, I'll be a married woman working on having a baby" I already know George wants that. But it's always one of those "someday" conversations. I want my someday to have a date attached to it. If I were in my 20's, I'd not really be feeling this urgency. But I've been through enough shit in my love life...I want to cram as much GOOD and happiness into the rest of my years as I possibly can. I've waited a long time to have what I've finally found, and I am just beyond READY to take it all the way. I don't want some expensive ring on my finger, I just want a plain band if that's what it takes. If it makes it happen sooner, I'd be happy with the promise, not the jewelry. What the ring symbolizes is what matters. So that's really where my head has been lately. I just want to belong 100% to George in every way.

I am a bit calmer

This week just hasn't gone all that greatly. Thanks to a very computer savvy friend of mine, I was able to figure out the backdoor program causing my computer problem, and apparently it's a virus that lurks and waits for you to sign on to "PayPal" and grabs financial information. Unfortunately, PayPal's Terms are such, that you HAVE NO PROTECTION if anything goes wrong. So I hope to God I don't find out that my accounts were raided. It's happened to a friend of mine so everyone, BE WARNED. So, let's see, where did I leave off before all this. Oh yeah: My new first and middle names are ELMER S. and the last name is GLUE. I try like hell to make arrangements to have a little bit of a break at work, to get this "move" thing done a little bit each day, and I don't know why I bother. I stayed til 1 a.m. Tues night, and my darling friend and co worker called in sick the next day (and it was partly bull**) wasting my efforts to stay ahead. The day before that , she decided to go help people in another department instead of doing our work. Work due at 4 and 5 were late,- inexcusable as slow as our work load has been. Today, she was there and it was an ok day except for the computer snafu. Tomorrow is Friday, and I would love to get a nice easy day out of it. During all of this, I've been my sister's only ride to work- or anywhere else- so I have to work around her schedule and still get my stuff done. My other sister (her boss) keeps threatening to fire her since she can't get to work. GEE DO THE MATH: NO work, no money, no money, no car. GET A CLUE YOU TWO !!! I am beginning to think that I should have called my journal "Who can I blog to death" ? Alright, I need to sign off and do something more useful.

A response for John

I am thinking back to the feelings I had in my head and heart before I met George. I had found what I thought was my soul mate. I don't even like writing about him because of my respect and love for George and the beauty he's brought back into my heart. I just remember the pain of the loss of this man. As I was going through the process of losing him, each and every time I would allow my thoughts to dwell on him I would have this gradually increasing swell of pain that would richochet through my heart and stomach. It was kind of like holding your hand over a flame, the longer you hold it there, the deeper the pain. My heart started feeling like a hand over the flame and I would quickly "withdraw" my thoughts and push them back into a corner of my head somewhere as a form of self preservation. I wrote this during that time:

A REASON TO LIVE

When you look into the windows of my soul and the rooms seem so cold and so bare.

Does the dimness of life's light through the tear-spattered panes make it seem as if no one is there?

As much as my pain-ridden soul longs to leave -this dwelling so riddled with grief,

I'm still here, huddled down in a corner of myself ,kept alive by a simple belief.

Though my heart is suspended in a pool of pain, no longer pulsing love's warmth to my soul,

I'll still wait for the knock on it's hollow door letting love back inside 'til it's whole.

So look into this seemingly lifeless abode and knock on my door once again.

Call out my name, pull the shades from my eyes and let love's light flood back in.

poetry for the love lorn

Have I always loved you?

Yours weren't the footprints I expected to see as

I walk down a path that's already been set.

The logic escapes me that I feel so completely this

Wasn't the lifetime in which we first met.

An invisible cord ties your heart to mine and

I'm left to wonder when this thread was first spun.

Can the stirring I feel whenever I'm near you mean

That something between us has been left undone?

Did this heated emotion once burn unchecked a

Lifetime ago, maybe two, maybe three?

Was I ever your child, your lover, your brother and

Do you ever wonder the same thoughts of me?

Why are we here at a time in our lives when

Our hearts aren't completely ours to give?

To have you nearby but never quite have you:

To know I'm alive but not free to live.

If you're not to be with me in this present moment and

Were ever beside me in some glorious past,

Oh to have just the memory to hold to for comfort

Til our moment together can happen at last.

For to think of the future is to hope for a lifetime of

Sharing a path from beginning to end.

For now I'll consider myself to be lucky to

Live in the present and call you my friend.

Written by me ages ago at a time of self discovery. I just hope it appeals to someone out there who's trying to find love and wonders what's real and what isn't? I just wish I could figure out how to put the lines closer together. Why does it double space between lines? I've read other poetry on here that seems to work fine! This paragraph is fine!

Big sister or pendulum?

I guess being the oldest of 8 siblings may carry some responsibilities. Or maybe just being a sister has more to do with my situation. I love all my brothers and sisters very much. Not that every moment of our younger years was peaceful, but I am tremendously sad that distance, and personality conflicts seem to cause that illusion of the golden days of childhood innocence to disentegrate. I look back and just wish for the days when all there was to fight about was "did you wear my shoes?" For now, I am given the role of peacemaker. I have two sisters in particular with whom I am close, both geographically, and emotionally. They are unfortunately very much alike, and seem unable to co exist in the same zipcode. They both have legitimate gripes about the other, and to me both sides make total sense when presented individually, but together it's like I am trying to listen to a latin lesson in which I see the lips moving in English. That line I just wrote actually makes no sense at all, but I know what I am trying to say if nobody else does-haha. I just want to scream sometimes and just say "why can't you see what I see?" Or better yet, "why can't you fix your own problems and let the her fix hers?" They make me crazy. So all I can do is present my own spin to the story, and give my thoughts, and hope it does some good. The beauty of being the oldest is you have nobody to impress but yourself. And I don't feel like I have to answer to anyone younger than me for any of my actions. I don't feel that rivalry. Oh...the DRAMA....!! Makes things pretty interesting.

Thank goodness for friends

Never turn your back on a friend in need. The past few years in life have taught me that we all were given certain amounts of coping skills. It's sad that some need that little extra 'boost' that maybe they can only get from you on a particular day. I have always considered myself to be strong. If I am handed more than I think I can handle, I have such great friendships and their wisdom sees me through. I've been to hell and back but I do know, though, that for the most part I've been able to work through it. However, I know several of my friends are truly unable to jump certain hurdles without taking it to a further medical level. They are frustrated that they must rely on therapists, or medication to see them through the tough times. And it's up to those of us who have gotten through bad times by ourselves, to let them know.."Hey..it's OK if you need help... If you need to see someone, PLEASE go do that. If you need medical help to help resolve things, it's OK. You don't have to do it all alone." I make sure to remind them that I completely understand and am in full support of the need to seek help beyond themselves. I've been told by those friends that it's nice to know that they aren't seen as "weak" by someone who seems to be strong. Well, the truth is, we all can be pretty weak. We all handle our problems differently. What's important is that you be happy and at peace.

Catching up....

I first want to say thank you to those who stop here to read and respond to whatever I may have to say. It's very gratifying to know somebody's out there and a little interested in your rantings. Some days I feel like I have more going on inside my head than others. I have written various things in the past that I've been too chicken to let others read, but maybe someday I'll post a few things and hopefully get some honest opinions. But for today , it was a pretty average day with the majority of it being spent at work. While there I was able to burn a cd of photos from the wedding to post here. I know some of my friends wanted to see a current picture of me and of George, and since I so absolutely HATE having pictures taken, VOILA..!! Here ya go. Isn't he just adorable? Well, I think so and that's what's important. I am spending most of my time trying to decide exactly when and how I'll get back into cosmetology school. The last school I started attending was a complete JOKE !! There wasn't a teacher there full time because the owners didn't think ahead enough to replace their current one even though she'd let everyone know she had to cut back to two days a week. Well, I just ended up sitting back in the classroom all by myself while punched into the time clock. I prefer to actually get my money's worth out of school, so I walked out after 3 weeks and didn't come back. Now I MUST find a new one soon, because I am so ready to quit working in a photo lab and actually earn a better living finally. I do have a job waiting for me once I get through, and it's a GOOD shop. And it will take me at least 10 months to finish and get licensed, if I go full time. The thought of full time school with as much full time work hours on top of it that I can handle, makes me a bit nervous, but I know much busier people than I accomplish that and more. So I have no excuse. Onward and Upward.