A response for John

I am thinking back to the feelings I had in my head and heart before I met George. I had found what I thought was my soul mate. I don't even like writing about him because of my respect and love for George and the beauty he's brought back into my heart. I just remember the pain of the loss of this man. As I was going through the process of losing him, each and every time I would allow my thoughts to dwell on him I would have this gradually increasing swell of pain that would richochet through my heart and stomach. It was kind of like holding your hand over a flame, the longer you hold it there, the deeper the pain. My heart started feeling like a hand over the flame and I would quickly "withdraw" my thoughts and push them back into a corner of my head somewhere as a form of self preservation. I wrote this during that time:

A REASON TO LIVE

When you look into the windows of my soul and the rooms seem so cold and so bare.

Does the dimness of life's light through the tear-spattered panes make it seem as if no one is there?

As much as my pain-ridden soul longs to leave -this dwelling so riddled with grief,

I'm still here, huddled down in a corner of myself ,kept alive by a simple belief.

Though my heart is suspended in a pool of pain, no longer pulsing love's warmth to my soul,

I'll still wait for the knock on it's hollow door letting love back inside 'til it's whole.

So look into this seemingly lifeless abode and knock on my door once again.

Call out my name, pull the shades from my eyes and let love's light flood back in.

poetry for the love lorn

Have I always loved you?

Yours weren't the footprints I expected to see as

I walk down a path that's already been set.

The logic escapes me that I feel so completely this

Wasn't the lifetime in which we first met.

An invisible cord ties your heart to mine and

I'm left to wonder when this thread was first spun.

Can the stirring I feel whenever I'm near you mean

That something between us has been left undone?

Did this heated emotion once burn unchecked a

Lifetime ago, maybe two, maybe three?

Was I ever your child, your lover, your brother and

Do you ever wonder the same thoughts of me?

Why are we here at a time in our lives when

Our hearts aren't completely ours to give?

To have you nearby but never quite have you:

To know I'm alive but not free to live.

If you're not to be with me in this present moment and

Were ever beside me in some glorious past,

Oh to have just the memory to hold to for comfort

Til our moment together can happen at last.

For to think of the future is to hope for a lifetime of

Sharing a path from beginning to end.

For now I'll consider myself to be lucky to

Live in the present and call you my friend.

Written by me ages ago at a time of self discovery. I just hope it appeals to someone out there who's trying to find love and wonders what's real and what isn't? I just wish I could figure out how to put the lines closer together. Why does it double space between lines? I've read other poetry on here that seems to work fine! This paragraph is fine!

Big sister or pendulum?

I guess being the oldest of 8 siblings may carry some responsibilities. Or maybe just being a sister has more to do with my situation. I love all my brothers and sisters very much. Not that every moment of our younger years was peaceful, but I am tremendously sad that distance, and personality conflicts seem to cause that illusion of the golden days of childhood innocence to disentegrate. I look back and just wish for the days when all there was to fight about was "did you wear my shoes?" For now, I am given the role of peacemaker. I have two sisters in particular with whom I am close, both geographically, and emotionally. They are unfortunately very much alike, and seem unable to co exist in the same zipcode. They both have legitimate gripes about the other, and to me both sides make total sense when presented individually, but together it's like I am trying to listen to a latin lesson in which I see the lips moving in English. That line I just wrote actually makes no sense at all, but I know what I am trying to say if nobody else does-haha. I just want to scream sometimes and just say "why can't you see what I see?" Or better yet, "why can't you fix your own problems and let the her fix hers?" They make me crazy. So all I can do is present my own spin to the story, and give my thoughts, and hope it does some good. The beauty of being the oldest is you have nobody to impress but yourself. And I don't feel like I have to answer to anyone younger than me for any of my actions. I don't feel that rivalry. Oh...the DRAMA....!! Makes things pretty interesting.

Thank goodness for friends

Never turn your back on a friend in need. The past few years in life have taught me that we all were given certain amounts of coping skills. It's sad that some need that little extra 'boost' that maybe they can only get from you on a particular day. I have always considered myself to be strong. If I am handed more than I think I can handle, I have such great friendships and their wisdom sees me through. I've been to hell and back but I do know, though, that for the most part I've been able to work through it. However, I know several of my friends are truly unable to jump certain hurdles without taking it to a further medical level. They are frustrated that they must rely on therapists, or medication to see them through the tough times. And it's up to those of us who have gotten through bad times by ourselves, to let them know.."Hey..it's OK if you need help... If you need to see someone, PLEASE go do that. If you need medical help to help resolve things, it's OK. You don't have to do it all alone." I make sure to remind them that I completely understand and am in full support of the need to seek help beyond themselves. I've been told by those friends that it's nice to know that they aren't seen as "weak" by someone who seems to be strong. Well, the truth is, we all can be pretty weak. We all handle our problems differently. What's important is that you be happy and at peace.

Catching up....

I first want to say thank you to those who stop here to read and respond to whatever I may have to say. It's very gratifying to know somebody's out there and a little interested in your rantings. Some days I feel like I have more going on inside my head than others. I have written various things in the past that I've been too chicken to let others read, but maybe someday I'll post a few things and hopefully get some honest opinions. But for today , it was a pretty average day with the majority of it being spent at work. While there I was able to burn a cd of photos from the wedding to post here. I know some of my friends wanted to see a current picture of me and of George, and since I so absolutely HATE having pictures taken, VOILA..!! Here ya go. Isn't he just adorable? Well, I think so and that's what's important. I am spending most of my time trying to decide exactly when and how I'll get back into cosmetology school. The last school I started attending was a complete JOKE !! There wasn't a teacher there full time because the owners didn't think ahead enough to replace their current one even though she'd let everyone know she had to cut back to two days a week. Well, I just ended up sitting back in the classroom all by myself while punched into the time clock. I prefer to actually get my money's worth out of school, so I walked out after 3 weeks and didn't come back. Now I MUST find a new one soon, because I am so ready to quit working in a photo lab and actually earn a better living finally. I do have a job waiting for me once I get through, and it's a GOOD shop. And it will take me at least 10 months to finish and get licensed, if I go full time. The thought of full time school with as much full time work hours on top of it that I can handle, makes me a bit nervous, but I know much busier people than I accomplish that and more. So I have no excuse. Onward and Upward.

A beautiful day....

We had a nice time at the wedding. It couldn't have been a more gorgeous fall day. It was located at a beautiful spot where there was once a mill and winery. There were only about 25 people there and the ceremony was simple but nice. This being a second wedding, it was very appropriately and tastefully done. Last night I spent the night with my boyfriend and his sisters at their family lake house. It has been in their family for many many years. It was just wonderful to be there. The boating season is over, and the cottages and lake houses are pretty much closed up for the winter so the peacefulness was amazing. The moon was full, and the air was cool enough after a fairly warm day that there was a beautiful mist coming up off the water and it glowed in the moonlight. So I guess I would have to say that the weekend has been a success. Tomorrow the wedding couple will be having a brunch at their new home for guests who weren't a part of the ceremony today. So, quite a long list of events to keep track of but still, sometimes it's nice to have your weekend planned when it's such an incredible one weather-wise, etc.

Defining love

Love is a puzzling cycle: both beautiful and painful. Tomorrow someone I know gets married. And while he's exchanging vows and heading into what one would presume will be a union of happiness, a woman sits at home and feels pain at the loss of him. He stopped loving her; she had given him everything her heart could hold. It's pretty sad that love can mean different things to different people.

I love to watch you sleep

I find myself placing my lips on your forehead or the tip of your nose, not wanting to wake you, yet loving the look in your eyes when you notice I'm  there through half-closed lids.  You give a small half smile as you close your eyes again.  You feel so warm and your unique scent permeates the air in those little spaces that  envelope your body beneath the folds in the covers and I just want to crawl inside and be one with you in that little spot of heaven.  (my thoughts after  peeking in at George before I head to work)